


I Hate You! || Hyunsung

by Strayis



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Also... I left some tags out because spoilers (insert River Song saying "spoilers"), Changbin and Hyunjin are close, HYUNSUNG, Hope you enjoy my mess of a fanfic, M/M, Past Hyunchan, Present to past Minsung, Secrets, Suicide Attempt, Sweet Hyunho moments, The summary is trash, This is a mess and I have no clue how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2020-09-30 13:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20448086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strayis/pseuds/Strayis
Summary: "I hate you!""I know."





	1. Chapter 1 - The Meeting PART 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER:  
This fanfiction is just that. Fiction created by a fan. While the people and some events are based off of real life, these characters and their actions are in no way accurate representations, nor are they real. This fanfiction was not made to upset or offend anyone and is simply just an idea that I wanted to write about. This fanfiction will also include:
> 
> * Self-harm
> 
> * Suicide attempts
> 
> You have been warned. Read at your own risk.

**Hyunjin POV:**

I stared up at the building, admiring how the sunlight reflected rainbows off the glass windows before hesitantly stepping inside the JYP building. As I glanced around, I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket and sent a quick text to Chan to let him know I had finally arrived. 

Chan decided a few months ago that I should meet the others he had selected to be a part of his group and today happened to be the day that I was free to meet them. My phone dinged, alerting me that Chan had responded. 'We are on level 7, I will meet you at the elevator'.

My heart began to thump loudly in my ears as I approached the elevator across the room slowly. Chan was excited for us to work towards debuting together. He was eager to debut with a team of nine and listening to him over the phone, I could hear his genuine enthusiasm for this to work out. My chest tightened at that thought. What if things didn't work out? Would Chan be alright? Would we be alright?

Debuting seems like some unattainable dream, so what makes him so sure that we can? I pressed the button to summon the elevator and waited a few seconds before the doors opened and I was able to step inside. I sighed and attempted to clear my mind of stray thoughts as the elevator ascended.

A loud ding signaled that I was on the level where Chan and the others were waiting. I stepped out into the hallway and was immediately greeted by pleasant laughter off to my right. I turned around and looked for the source of the melodic sound and spotted two boys goofing around with each other. The taller boy was wrestling the shorter boy for a cup of instant ramen while laughing loudly. I watched silently as the shorter one wiggled out of his grip and ran down the hall towards me. His facial features somehow reminded me of a cute squirrel. The squirrel boy laughed as he looked over his shoulder at the taller boy who had started to chase after him. When he looked forward, our eyes met and he came to a halt barely a metre away from me.

I felt uncomfortable as his brown eyes stared into mine with an undecipherable expression. The other boy slowed beside him but took advantage of his distracted friend and quickly snatched the ramen from the boy and bolted away. "Hey!" The short boy whirled around and was about chase after the other, his dark brown hair bouncing freely in eagerness to race after the thief, when Chan suddenly appeared, a large grin splitting his face.

"Hyunjin! I am so glad you could make it! It has been too long since we have seen each other," Chan strode towards me and tightly hugged me. He was a bit shorter than me and I could have easily pushed him away, as I would have done to anyone else, but he is not just anyone else.

"Channie hyung," I exclaimed, my excitement and relief washed over me in a crashing wave at the sight and touch of him, leaving me breathless. I embraced him just as tightly. "I've missed you."

"I have missed you too, Jinnie. How are your parents and Kkami?" Chan pulled away from me still smiling like the big goofball that he is. His voice was smooth and calming, and the way he spoke with lighthearted joy made me feel as if it had been a mere 5 days since I had last seen him, instead of 5 years.

"They’re good, hyung. How are you?" I smiled at him as he responded energetically, his eyes crinkling into crescents as his excitement intensified.

"Great now that you are here, Jinnie! I want to introduce you to the others now, come on." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards the squirrel looking boy who was staring at us with a confused expression. "This is Han Jisung. I told you about him a few months ago. Although, I don't know if you remember that." The boy, Jisung, was now glaring at Chan in annoyance. I don't know why he was annoyed but I decided to ignore it and quickly cast my mind back to previous conversations with Chan and vaguely remembered a Han Jisung. I bowed as I introduced myself to the boy whom I remembered Chan had nothing but high praises for. 

"Hi, my name is Hwang Hyunjin. It's nice to meet you," I glanced up at the boy who was now just staring down at me until I straightened my back and he was forced to tilt his head slightly. Chan coughed and Jisung sighed heavily, his shoulders tense as he bowed respectfully.

"Hi, Hyunjin," I watched as he straightened his posture and glanced at Chan. "I will go get Minho. He ran off with my ramen." While he walked away I turned to Chan and caught a glimpse of frustration glinting in his eyes before he blinked it away and met my stare. He smiled at me before gesturing for me to follow him.

We entered a dance practice room and my breath caught in my throat at the sight of the five people inside the room. They were sitting huddled together on the floor watching a video on someone's phone. No one looked up as we entered, but I felt my anxiety bubbling in the pit of my stomach, especially as Chan grabbed everyone's attention by clapping his hands together and announcing my presence loudly.

"Hey, losers! I want you all to meet Hwang Hyunjin. He will be joining us," In that moment, as multiple sets of eyes landed on me, I wanted nothing more than to hide. I was usually pretty confident around people, but these were people I, if everything goes how Chan wants it to, will be around 24/7 for several years. I can’t afford to mess up. I bowed and smiled, although somewhat tensely, at them, already anticipating comments about my looks and how I was definitely going to be _just_ a visual. However, how they responded was with enthusiasm and by jumping up and rushing towards me. It was a chaotic mess as they pushed each other down, held each other back, and tripped one another while laughing.

I smiled at the boy who managed to excitedly skid to a stop right before crashing into me, the others not far behind him. He smiled and I saw he was wearing braces. '_Gosh this kid is cute_' I thought to myself as he bowed and introduced himself as the maknae. "Hi, Hyunjin hyung! I am excited to get to know you. My name is Yang Jeongin. I am the youngest." I bowed and grinned at the cutie. I couldn't wait to get to know him.

"Hi, Jeongin. I am excited to get to know you too," He nodded and moved next to me so that the next member could introduce himself. I exhaled in relief. That wasn’t so bad. I can do this. As the next person bowed, I recognised him from a picture Chan had showed me last month. "Woojin hyung?" I accidentally asked aloud. My lungs deflated in defeat as he straightened and stared at me in confusion.

"Yes. How did you know?" I tried to ignore the heat in my cheeks while several pairs of eyes watched me, confusion written all over their faces and replied.

"Channie hyung showed me a picture a while ago of you and him while you were out shopping," I laughed nervously as I glanced at Chan who was wearing thoughtful expression. I looked down and played with my fingers nervously. This was not how I wanted things to go. Anxiety picked at my insides restlessly as an awkward silence filled the room. After a few seconds, which felt like several minutes, I managed to convince myself to, at least, glance up at Woojin. I jumped, startled as Chan’s low thoughtful voice disturbed the quiet suddenly.

"It's true. I sent him a picture of us at the mall that day we ran out of chicken," Woojin nodded and then grinned while slinging an arm over my shoulder and pushing Jeongin away with his hip in a single fluid motion that seemed too graceful to be humanly possible.

"Nice to meet you Hyunjin. What is your opinion on chicken?"

"Don't answer that!" Chan chuckled as he pulled – more like dragged – Woojin away from me. I looked between them in confusion and glanced at Jeongin for an explanation. He shook his head, a knowing smile curving his lips delicately in a youthful way. After a moment, I shrugged, deciding that it must be an inside joke no one wanted to explain to the newcomer.

I maintained an appearance of nonchalance as best as I could while grey tinged thoughts skipped gleefully into the forefront of my mind. I tried to stave off the thoughts that so easily came tumbling in through the holes in my defenses by focusing on others things, but I couldn’t. The thoughts whirled tauntingly through my mind. They don’t want me here. These boys have known each other for months and will have tonnes of inside jokes, I am joining too late. They won’t ever want to share them with me because I am just a visual – they think I won’t understand their jokes.

Thought after thought jeered at me, reminding me of how truly pathetic I was, while the anxiety tore into my stomach, shredding it like paper. Why did I even consider this? I may put in as much, if not more, hard work as the rest of them, but they will never believe that. No one will. No one will ever want me for nothing more than my looks. Why am I here? Why can’t they just explain it to me? Why can’t they just tell me why I shouldn’t answer Woojin’s question? I just want these thoughts to go away. I want to think normally. Not with all of these thoughts berating me about my mistakes and worthlessness 24/7. 

Plastering on a learnt smile, I faced the next member and was genuinely surprised as I noticed freckles peppering his nose and cheeks prettily. "Oh! That's Felix. He is still practicing Korean, so please be patient if he takes a while to understand you or respond, Jinnie," Chan's voice caught my attention and I glanced at him at the same time as the boy named Felix did, possibly recognising his name. Our eyes met as we looked back at each other and he glanced away quickly, nervously, before bowing quickly and speaking. I blinked in shock as his deep voice rumbled through his accented words. It seemed out of place on such a sweet looking person.

"Hi, Hyunjin hyung?" His addition of an honorific seemed to be followed by a question mark as his intonation rose in the way native English speakers generally do when asking a question, and he glanced at Chan for what I assumed to be confirmation that I was older than him. Chan must have nodded because Felix visibly relaxed and continued. "My name is Lee Felix. It is nice to meet you."

"Hi, Felix. It is nice to meet you too. By the way," I reached out and touched his arm as he went to walk away. My brain instantly screamed at me. What was I doing? Why was I touching him? What if he didn’t want me to touch him? A disgusting, pathetic thing like me… I wouldn’t want someone like me to touch me. I forced out a bright smile as I completed my offer to him. "If you ever need any help with Korean I am happy to help you." He nodded and thanked me before moving towards Chan. Angry thoughts stomped through my mind as I turned towards the next person. Why did I do that? I scoffed inwardly at the incessant nagging from my own thoughts. What does it matter? He won’t come to me for help with his Korean anyway. The angry thoughts and nagging anxiety slithered away as a wave of frustration and self-loathing swept them back to their dark corners. I focused my attention outward as another member stepped forward and bowed.

"Hi, Hyunjin. The name's Seo Changbin, but everyone calls me The Prince of Dark." He grinned while the others groaned. A flicker of recognition jumpstarted in the back of my mind, but I couldn’t work out why.

"Don't call him that," Chan sighed, frustrated. "Literally no one calls him that." I smiled at Chan and nodded, feigning understanding. This was familiar ground. Chan’s tone and stance was one of pretense. He wasn’t actually annoyed by Changbin’s self-given title, he found it amusing but was playing with the other. A glance between the two and I discerned that they both knew that this was just skit they both shared. Jealousy tugged at my chest harshly before disappearing. Chan and I used to be like this, constantly communicating through skits and inside jokes. I ignored the sharp tug as I began to wonder what the backstory was for the skit. I shook my head with a small smile. Why was I jealous? I had just been given the perfect opportunity to assimilate into a new skit afterall. I could bounce off whatever skit Chan and Changbin shared to include myself.

I bowed and tried to keep a neutral expression to hide my smirk. "Hi, The Prince of Dark, it is nice to meet you." Chan groaned despite the small smile fighting to break past his feigned disappointment. Changbin laughed gleefully and ran over to him gloatingly, dancing cutely, a complete contrast to his supposed title. The inkling of familiarity with Changbin’s name popped into my head before I could turn to the next member. Recognition danced brightly through my brain with a rush of happiness that I had worked out why his name sounded so familiar. I almost laughed aloud as I remembered the conversation with Chan two years ago; where he had subtly announced that he and two others (Han Jisung and Seo Changbin) were in a group called 3RACHA. I hadn’t thought too much of it back then, and Chan never mentioned Changbin or 3RACHA again except for once a few months later when he briefly brushed over the topic during a discussion about producing music.

The next member gave me a small, shy smile and introduced himself. "Hi, Hyunjin hyung, my name is Kim Seungmin. I hope we get along well."

"I hope so too, Seungmin." I smiled at him and was about to say something, when two bickering boys entered the room looking slightly disheveled and out of breath.

"I can't believe you ate it all, you pig!" Jisung yelled while hitting the other over the head. The boy laughed and ducked as Jisung went to keep hitting him.

"It isn't my fault. It begged me to eat it all!" Jisung snorted at the other boy's exclamation and shoved him away.

"Whatever you say, you delusional rat." The taller boy, unaffected by the insult, sniggered as he glanced around the room. His smile was bright as his keen eyes landed on me. An involuntary shiver tingled up my spine as his brown eyes met mine. There was something about his stare that screamed _perceptive_ and it was perturbing to feel so exposed, to feel like an open book.

"You must be Hyunjin. Chan was super excited when you agreed to join us,” I glanced at Chan who was staring at his feet, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. He was excited for me to join them? Does he think that I am good enough to debut? An overwhelming suffocating feeling pressed against my chest until I was forced to shallow my breathing. If Chan thinks that I can debut with him, then I must work even harder to make it happen. I cannot disappoint him. Not again… My attention snapped back to the brunette before me as he continued to introduce himself. I found myself floundering in his perceptive gaze as his eyes observed me attentively. “I am Lee Minho," The brunette hugged me. I blinked in surprise. I found I was unable to move- I was frozen in place as frenzied thoughts whizzed through my mind like racecars racing to the finish line. Why was Minho greeting me as if we had known each other for years? Did he just want to touch me because of how I look? Was he just like everyone else? In my panicked state, my attention was placed solely on Minho and how his arms wrapped around my body easily and gently in a friendly manner. I missed the tension in Chan’s shoulders as he observed our interaction. I missed the wary stare he placed heavily upon Minho’s casual touchy demeanour.

"You look like a good dancer, are you?" he asked as he pulled away. Relief spread through me. No. Of course he wasn’t like everyone else. He just must like skinship. I grinned at him and nodded eagerly, pushing aside my previous concerns.

"Yes, Minho hyung."

"We should have a dance battle and see who is better. The Visual or the Cat," I flinched. He was just like everyone else then. Fear rang through my entire body and I tensed. Before I could become submerged by anxiety, my attention was snagged by the sudden lack of constant mumbled chatter that had persisted throughout the introductions. I glanced around, saw that the other boys were completely silent, and were seemingly frozen, their uncertain gazes locked on both Minho and I. I met Chan's concerned gaze and I understood why no one had brought it up before. Chan had told them not to because he knew I wasn't fond of being referred to as a visual. Minho ignored the tension blanketing he room and slung an arm over my shoulder before whispering in my ear. A casual movement followed by an intimate action. My brain short-circuited in response to the confusing situation. I shuddered as the brunette’s warm breath curled softly around my ear. Was Minho a bad person or not? Why was he behaving so casually and yet so intimately? My wide eyes flickered to Chan instinctively. He met my stare with a gaze muddled with too many emotions to decipher.

"If it's worth anything, even though we just met, I think you have more character than people give you credit for. I see past the face, Jinnie," He pulled away from me and stepped back. I couldn't help the smile that tugged at my lips. I met Minho’s understanding stare as I finally discerned that Minho was definitely not a bad person. The gratitude and relief, as well as surprise must have shown on my face because Minho smiled cutely, his kind brown eyes conveying a ‘you’re welcome’. It meant a lot. Knowing that he genuinely saw past what everyone called my pretty face and actually _saw_ me was the greatest feeling I had ever experienced. I found myself eager to hang out with Minho as much as possible.

Everyone visibly relaxed after seeing me smile and began talking again. As Minho walked off towards Changbin, I glanced at Jisung who still had not moved from his position near the door, where he stopped when Minho began to introduce himself. He had the same undecipherable expression on his face as when we were in the hallway. His expression morphed into one of slight disgust as he glanced at Minho and then back at me before he stalked out of the room.

That's when I deciphered his expression. It was hate. Hate for me.


	2. Chapter 1 - The Meeting PART 2

**Jisung POV:**

A loud laugh escaped past my lips as I bolted away from Minho, holding the ramen cup to my chest tightly. Fast footsteps chased after me accompanied by a playful shout. "GET BACK HERE, SQUIRREL!" I snorted as I ran out of the room and into the hallway. "Give my ramen back!"

"Your ramen?" I stopped mid-step and whirled around trying to hide my grin. "I do believe that the ramen is in my hands, and therefore, it is _my_ ramen," A chuckle bubbled up my throat causing the corners of my lips to curl upwards. I laughed as Minho stuttered and made a serious of confused noises. I was so busy laughing that I didn't notice as he lunged at me until his hands wrapped around mine and tried to tug them away from the ramen. I jerked away from him, screeching, but he followed me and we began to wrestle for the food.

Our laughs rang out through the hall as Minho continued to struggle to pry the ramen cup from my hands. I wriggled against him, elbowing him gently before bolting away from him down the hall. I glanced over my shoulder and chuckled at his offended expression.

As I returned my attention to in front of me, my eyes met captivating dark brown ones. I skid to a halt as a single word flash though my mind: _Beautiful_. I blinked and felt disgust course through my body as I comprehended my thought and what I was looking at. Before me stood a tall stranger with black hair, dark brown eyes and a perfect face. A visual. That's what I was looking at. Someone with such a pretty face that I know he has never had to work a day in his life to get anywhere. Never had to be talented to enter an esteemed company. Unlike me, he would just have to pout with his perfect plump lips and everyone would drop everything and rush to fetch the _Prince_ whatever he wanted.

I flinched as something warm touched my hands and ripped the cup of ramen from my hand. "Hey!" I whirled around prepared to chase after Minho and retrieve my food from him when Chan suddenly stepped out of the practice room, his blond hair shining dully in the artificial light. I froze at the sight of his grin. It was the happiest I have ever seen him. I watched as his eyes slid past me and his eyes landed on the stranger behind me. His eyes lit up with barely contained excitement as he practically leapt forward and greeted the tall _Prince_.

"Hyunjin! I am so glad you could make it! It has been too long since we have seen each other," I turned slowly and watched as Chan hugged the _Prince_\- Hyunjin. My stomach tightened as the dark haired boy slipped his arms around _my_ hyung, hugging him back tightly, and rested his forehead against the crook of Chan's neck. My heart rate increased as he began to speak.

"Channie hyung, I've missed you," The statement was simple enough but my heart skipped a beat and a sneaking feeling that I was intruding on something intimate crawled up my spine. I took a step back as Chan responded with equal amounts affection and joy weaving playfully in and out of his words.

"I have missed you too, Jinnie. How are your parents and Kkami?" I swallowed slowly as a pang of jealousy shot through my stomach and clawed up towards my chest. Chan didn't have nicknames with any of us. He didn't even let us call him anything other than hyung. So why was this "perfect" boy different? I felt a flicker of annoyance spark as I watched Chan pull away from Hyunjin with a goofy grin. He never smiled like this around us. I glanced at the dark haired boy and watched his gaze soften while looking at Chan. I felt sick. Who was this boy, huh? Why was he here? What is his history with Chan?

"They are good, hyung. How are you?" I felt confusion sweep through me as I continued to watch them interact. Chan was so different around Hyunjn compared to us. What made this boy so different? Is it because he is the definition of a visual? Does that make him more import- I was snapped out of my thoughts as Chan’s voice rang through the hall energetically.

"Great now that you are here, Jinnie," a new kind of confusion washed over me. Are we not good enough for Chan? When did we stop being enough? Were we never enough? I quickly tucked the thought away as he grabbed Hyunjin's wrist and led him towards me. "I want to introduce you to the others, come on. This is Han Jisung. I told you about him a few months ago. Although, I don't know if you remember that," a flicker of betrayal stuttered in my chest, clenching lightly around my heart. Chan had told this dark haired stranger about me but hadn't mentioned him to me... Why? I glared at Chan, this favouritism was beginning to get on my nerves. I don't know who this brown eyed _Prince _is but I don't like him at all. Especially considering Chan is a different person around him. I glanced back at Hyunjin as he bowed and respectfully introduced himself.

"Hi, my name is Hwang Hyunjin. It's nice to meet you," I stared down at him with disgust and frustration. His bow was perfect, his introduction perfect, his overall being just _perfect_. I hate him. He looked up through his long eyelashes and met my stare. My heart faltered in my chest and my lungs forgot how to work as his warm, genuine gaze held my stare unfalteringly. He straightened to his full height while maintaining eye contact with me. I tilted my head back slightly, refusing to be the one to look away. Chan coughed loudly in a way that sounded too forced to be real. I glanced at him and saw that he was glaring at me. The second our eyes met he subtly gestured for me to introduce myself. I sighed before bowing to the _Prince_. A thought popped into my head as I began speaking and I realised that the word 'Prince' had never suited someone so perfectly until now.

"Hi, Hyunjin," I gritted out between clenched teeth while straightening my back and glancing at Chan. He was frowning at me disapprovingly. He was waiting for me to exclaim how nice it was to meet Hyunjin, but I refused to give either of them the satisfaction of that pleasantry. So instead, I just muttered, "I will go get Minho hyung. He ran off with my ramen," and walked away towards the kitchen where I knew I would find Minho.

My thoughts returned to their previous track of wondering why Chan seemed so much happier around Hyunjin than the rest of us as I trudged slowly towards the kitchen. I entered the room and glanced around for the hyung who stole my food and smiled as I saw him enjoying the ramen while browsing through Instagram. I stood silently at the door, leaning against the doorframe, all thoughts of Hyunjin gone from my mind as if blown away like a leaf in the wind the second I saw Minho. I crept closer to my brown haired hyung with a half-formed idea already brewing in the back of my mind.

When I was right behind him, I arched my neck and peered over his shoulder quietly and saw that he was almost finished the ramen. An unfamiliar dull ache twisted my stomach tightly and I struggled to stifle a gasp at the sharp pain. I blinked in confusion. What was that? Deciding to just ignore the strange ache, I leaned closer to Minho, prepared to screech in his ear in playful annoyance but he turned his head slightly and slid his eyes towards me. I inhaled sharply as he spoke softly with a tone of authority.

"Don't you dare screech in my ear, Han Jisung," a shiver tingled down my spine at his deep voice. He turned his body in the chair as I pulled away and straightened. He placed the phone screen down on the table and offered some ramen to me. He held it just far enough away that I would have to either bend to get it or move closer. I chose the latter.

As I stepped closer and moved my lips towards the offering, I felt an arm snake around my waist and pull me downwards. I yelped as I landed on a grinning Minho's lap.

"Hey, Sungie," he whispered beside my ear. A shiver left a trail of goose bumps across my skin in reaction to his warm breath spreading across my skin. My heart stuttered as he slipped a hand under my shirt and pressed my back flush against his chest. He rested his head on my shoulder before kissing my jaw gently. My breathing shallowed as my heart raced inside my chest fast enough to rival a racehorse. His lips grazed over my skin, leaving a blazing trail of need in their wake. As his lips pressed against the side of my neck, I flipped myself around so that I was straddling him and smashed my lips against Minho's smug smirking ones.

I kissed him aggressively, biting at his lower lip gently. He gasped, momentarily forgetting his initial plan to get me riled up as I bit down particularly harshly. I used this opportunity to slide my tongue into his mouth. I grinned into the deepening kiss as his free hand curved around the base of my neck and he pulled me closer. We battled for dominance, however, I quickly submitted as he reacted in the way I had been hoping he would.

I felt time slipping away from me as we continued to kiss. I intertwined my fingers in his hair and pulled him impossibly closer as a moan threatened spill out of my mouth. I am not entirely sure when these make out sessions began, but I do know that they have been becoming more frequent. I also know that I have some kind of feelings for Minho hyung, I just don't know what kind and I don't know if he has the same feeling for me, so I don't want to say anything until I am sure.

Minho pulls away suddenly and a whine escapes through my parted lips before I can stop it. I blush as Minho stares at me in surprise. "Sungie..." he starts. He brushes his fingers against the side of my head, gently brushing my mussed up hair back into place. I wait for him to say whatever he was thinking but he doesn't instead he picks up the chopsticks he discarded at some point without me realising and begins to finish eating the ramen. I blink at him in confusion and betrayal, as he doesn't offer me any. Before I can express my outrage at this, he shoves me off. I let out a strangled screech as I land on the ground and he stands up, bowl in hand, before walking to the sink.

I stand up slowly and hang my head in exaggerated sulkiness. I refuse to look up as Minho sighs and approaches me. Out of the corer of my eye, I glimpse his phone. I struggle to disguise a smile with a frown as another idea forms in my mind. I feel Minho standing beside me and I quickly snatch up his phone from the table and duck behind him. "Hey!" I laugh and step out of reach as he tries to grab the phone. I grin when I see that he is smiling at me.

"You ate all of my ramen, so I am going to confiscate your phone, Minho," I say cheekily, purposefully excluding 'hyung' after his name. I watch his eyes closely for the subtle change and bolt out of the room when I see it. "Hey! Get back here you disrespectful squirrel!"

We both laugh as we run up the hall towards the practice room. I was halfway there when Minho caught my wrist and flung me to the wall. I gasped, winded as my back hit the wall. Minho didn't give me a second to recover as he pressed his body against mine to keep me pinned and pried his phone from my hand. My head spun and my heart pounded violently in my chest. I stared at Minho, frozen as my thoughts were consumed by the feeling of Minho’s body pressed tightly up against mine. He stepped backwards with a smug smirk, waving his phone in my face gloatingly. My gaze flickered to the floor. How could I allow myself to be so distracted by him like that?

"Did you really think that I couldn't catch you, Jisungie? Did you really think that you could make it to the others before I caught you?" I shake my head and Minho chuckles, his fingers lifting up my chin so that I am staring into his twinkling brown eyes. "What was your plan, Jisung? Hmm? To run off with my phone is one thing, but to not call me hyung is another."

"To get you back for stealing and eating my ramen like a pig, _hyung_," Minho's jaw dropped and his fingers fell from under my chin. He swiftly slapped the side of my head while I chuckled at his shocked expression. I danced away from him while laughing and he chased after me.

"Take that back! I am not a pi- Han Jisung!" I giggled as I poked my tongue out at him and continued towards the practice room. I slowed down near the room and waited for Minho to catch up. "I can't believe how cheeky you are, Jisungie. All I did was eat some ramen."

"Some ramen? Some ramen!" I blinked at him in bewilderment. "That was MY ramen! Not SOME ramen you gluttonous goat!" I glared at him playfully as he laughed at my "insult". I quickly followed suit and we walked into the room still bickering. "I still can't believe that you ate it all, you pig!" I exclaimed as the realisation hit me that he had really truly eaten MY ramen to HIMSELF. The strange dull ache in my stomach returned but I swiftly pushed it aside in favour for hitting Minho softly over the head. I rolled my eyes as he ducked and laughed out a response.

"It isn't my fault. It begged me to eat it all! Just me!" I snorted at his lame excuse and shoved him gently.

"Whatever you say, you delusional rat," I sighed. Minho simply sniggered and began glancing around the room. I frowned when his gaze landed on Hyunjin who was interacting with the other boys in our practice room and stayed there. A storm cloud of anger swirled within my chest as Minho wandered happily towards the stranger and embraced him. Why was he acting as if he has known Hyunjin his whole life? Why was he hugging _him_ like that? He never greets me like this… Am I not good enough because I don’t look like the definition of perfection?

I glanced around the room and noticed that everyone else was talking quietly amongst themselves. Judging by the fact that Seungmin was near the _Prince _when Minho and I walked in, I figured that everyone had already introduced themselves. A twinge of jealous and a vague feeling of being left out tangled in my stomach, where a growing pit of loathing was setting its roots down. I was snapped out of my thoughts as Minho’s smooth voice carried through the room easily.

"You must be Hyunjin. Chan was super excited when you agreed to join us. I'm Lee Minho," My mood darkened further at my hyung's words. He knew about Hyunjin? "You look like a good dancer, are you?" Minho pulled away from the black haired boy and I observed the genuine smile on Hyunjin's face. An intrusive thought of "pretty" whirled through my mind and was gone within a second as he responded.

"Yes, Minho hyung." Despite knowing that the visual had to refer to Minho with honorifics, it still irked me that _he _was the one saying it.

"We should have a dance battle and see who is better. The Visual or The Cat," tension filled the air as Hyunjin visibly flinched. I felt a faint flicker of concern flash through me as his eyes became distant and his smile faltered for a split second before he plastered on a tighter lipped smile and glanced at the others who had all frozen in place. Curiosity clicked along my bones. Did he not like being called a visual? I inwardly chuckled at that ridiculous thought. Who wouldn’t love to be called a visual? I was about to follow the train of thought that it was probably just an act to garner more attention, when I noticed Hyunjin’s facial expression shift from one of confusion to understanding and slight fear.

Annoyance crawled along my skin as I followed the visual’s gaze to Chan who was wearing a sickeningly concerned and panicked expression. The second I saw this, I knew that Chan had told the others about Hyunjin and had likely warned them not to call Hyunjin 'the visual' for whatever reason. Why didn't he tell me? You know what? I don't care. This tall boy was really getting on my nerves. I bet Chan only pays him so much attention because of his looks. How shallow.

I tensed as I saw Minho leaning towards Hyunjin, his arm already slung comfortably around the taller boy. His mouth was beside Hyunjin's ear, like it was beside mine barely five minutes ago. Jealousy and hate whirled violently inside my chest, tearing at my heart as Hyunjin genuinely smiled and gazed (gazed!) into Minho's eyes softly with his perfect eyes. I watched as Hyunjin's eyes followed Minho as he walked towards Changbin and felt a new, unidentifiable emotion tremble through my breath as I exhaled shakily and refused the sudden overwhelming need to cry and scream. I glared at Hyunjin as his gaze eventually landed on me. I glanced at Minho and back at Hyunjin as disgust bubbled in my stomach, churning stomach bile until it began creeping up my throat.

As the urge to vomit grew, I whirled around and left the room swiftly. I broke into a run the second I was out of sight and raced to the bathroom. Slamming the door shut I barely made it to the toilet in time before I collapsed onto the freezing cold tiles and all the contents in my stomach found their way into the toilet. I closed the lid, flushed the chain before standing up shakily, and making my way slowly towards the sink. I glared at my pale reflection in the mirror. Why am I feeling all of these emotions over someone who is _just_ a visual? How is _he _managing to take everything away from me in less than a day of being here? I ran a trembling hand through my hair and growled out a frustrated sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! Sorry that this is probably hella confusing. I wanted to give the encounter from Jisung's pov and also add something that would help build some drama(rama). Don't worry though, Minsung won't interfere too much with Hyunsung. Or will it?


	3. Chapter 2 - Head Spins and Jealousy

**Jisung POV:**

I leaned against the cold pale grey and white tiled wall. My heart hammered in my chest as if it were trying to escape. I sighed slowly and brought a shaky hand to my forehead to brush the damp strands of hair from my sweaty face. I hate throwing up. I hate the burning sensation of bile passing up my throat. I hate the vile taste it leaves in my mouth afterwards. I hate the lightheadedness and the pain in my stomach as a result of vomiting.

I turned my head and pressed my hot cheek against the cool tiles, seeking relief from the heat consuming my body. A coughing fit wracked my body suddenly and I groaned as all of my muscles ached in response to the violent action. I slipped sideways and allowed my head to rest on the smooth surface of the white cupboards beneath the basin. My eyes drift closed and I find my thoughts wandering back to Hyunjin and Minho's interaction. I feel a strange pang of jealousy in my chest as I remembered how Minho hugged Hyunjin and whispered into his ear.

A flash of anger and possessiveness sizzled through my veins. Minho and I aren't official but he is **mine**. He shouldn't be paying that stupid visual any attention. Fear flickered in my stomach, sparked from the thought that Minho will leave me for Hyunjin because he is beautiful- even I can't deny that. But that is the point of being a visual. So of course he looks good…

I groaned in frustration. Why did Chan pick Hyunjin? How do they know each other? Why does Chan smile so much wider for Hyunjin than the rest of us? What makes Hyunjin more smile worthy than me? Is it his looks?

A series of short loud knocks on the door startled me out of my question-riddled reverie. I jump and my eyes snap open. With blurry vision, I glare at the blindingly white door in annoyance. Who the hell is knocking?

"Jisung? Are you okay?" Chan's voice was muffled but I could easily hear the concern filtering through his words.

"Yes, Chan hyung. I am just fixing my hair," I reached up and grabbed the top of the basin before using it to pull myself up into a standing position. I don't hear a response from Chan and stupidly assume that he has left, satisfied with my answer. I move in front of the mirror and stare at my reflection. My brown eyes look dull, my skin unusually pale, my hair a disgusting mess. Overall, I look worse than a rat. But that is nothing unusual. No wonder everyone is all over that _Prince_. He looks so much better in comparison to me. Something inside me breaks a little. Of course, Minho will leave me for that visual. Minho will forget all about me with Hyunjin around.

I raked a trembling hand through my messy hair in a vain attempt to tame in before stepping towards the door and opening it slowly. Stepping outside, I come face to face with a worried blond whose lower lip is trapped beneath his teeth as he nervously worries it between them, his brow furrowed together as he seems lost in thought. His light brown eyes met my own and I am quick to glance away, the intensity of his gaze too much for me to handle. His voice is low, almost gravelly when he speaks. "For someone who spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom fixing his hair, it is still quite disheveled,"

I smile awkwardly as my face heats up in shame. Fifteen minutes? Was I really in there that long? "It isn't cooperating today," I reply slowly, my throat dry from vomiting. I leaned against the doorframe heavily as a dizzy spell suddenly caused the world to spin violently. Strong hands were suddenly on my arms, helping me stay upright as my vision swam. Wild concern shone brightly in Chan's eyes as the world slowed to a halt. The sick feeling in my stomach returned and I fought the urge to vomit again. Why do I feel like this?

"Have you eaten today?" I blinked and met Chan's gaze before looking away in shame as a realisation struck me. 

  
"Of course, hyung," I lied. I haven't eaten today. I didn't eat yesterday either. When was the last time I ate? Perhaps Wednesday, the day before yesterday? I swiftly sifted through my memories in an effort to pin point when I last ate something. My legs trembled under my weight and I felt Chan's grip on me tighten.

"Are you sure, Jisung?"

"Yes, hyung," my answer came out as a weak shaky whisper. The last time I recall eating something was Monday morning. It is now Friday. How did I not notice before? I blinked as I thought about all of the times I kept putting off eating and just saying, ‘I will eat once I finish this’ or ‘I will eat once we’ve done this’. I guess I never finished whatever “this” was…

Chan gently lowered me to the ground as my legs give out completely. He kneeled in front of me and turned my head until I was staring into his wide brown orbs. "Don't lie to me, Jisung," his tone was stern but his voice wobbled with worry as his eyes raked over my overall appearance. I swallowed slowly.

"I'm not, Chan hyung. I ate ramen earlier today," the lie passed my lips easily. I can't let Chan know that I forgot to eat again. He already has enough to worry about with preparing us for debut and producing new songs for our 3RACHA group. I don't want to add to that. I also can't have him know because he will tell everyone else. Which will mean that Minho will feel extremely guilty for not noticing as well as eating all of the ramen for lunch today. I don’t want that. I hate a guilty Minho. And with living, breathing perfection joining us now, I can’t risk Minho pulling away from me because of guilt, because he might just end up closer to Hyunjin because of it.

Chan sighed heavily, his warm breath fanning across my face as he moved closer. His hands moved away from my jaw suddenly. I almost whined at the loss of warmth because my skin felt strangely cold, but then I felt his fingers gently grazing my skin as he brushed my hair away from my face.

"Jisung-ah," I shivered as he ran a hand through my hair slowly. "You are freezing, can barely stand and are paler than me. The only time you were like this before was when you forgot to eat for a few days. You know your body can't handle all of the things we do if you don't eat," his voice was soft and his gaze unwavering as he spoke. I stared into his sad, kind brown eyes as he continued to run his fingers through my hair while his other hand rested against the right side of my face, his pinky sitting under my chin as if to keep me from lowering my head. It was moments like these that made me forget about everything. Made me forget about my worries, about everything going wrong… made me forget about Minho and fall head first into everything that was Chan until I found myself lost in the times when it was just Chan, Changbin, and I. The days when I felt like I could simultaneously drop off the face of the planet and no one would care but also never leave because I was important to Chan and Changbin- as vital to them as the oxygen they needed to breathe or the food they needed to consume to live.

I frowned, shaken violently from my wandering thoughts as Chan asked the question I didn't want to answer. "How many days?" I didn't respond and watched as anger flashed in his eyes. "Jisung," he whispered warningly. I shook my head slightly. His hand stilled in my hair and his grip on the side of my face tightened slightly. "I asked you, how many days has it been since you last ate?" His voice was dangerously low with whirling undertones of concern, anger and anxiety.

I glanced back at him, my eyes meeting his once again. I wasn't going to tell him but the second I saw the barely concealed desperation in the furrow of his brows, the downturn of his lips, the tightness in his jaw, I couldn't lie anymore. I couldn’t keep it from him when he already knew. It was hurting him as much as the time he found me with a half-empty bottle of pills. He hated it – hated himself – when I was hurting and he couldn’t fix it. It was why I didn’t want him to know, ever. But he always knew. He always saw…Damn you Chan! Why do you have to be so perceptive? Why couldn’t you be as oblivious as Minho? But even as the question filtered through my mind, I knew it wasn’t true. Minho was perceptive in his own way. It was just that he had only known me for less than half of the time that Chan has and doesn’t know me in the same way that Chan, and even Changbin do.

"Since Monday morning," I muttered, glancing away as a version of heartbreak consumed Chan’s features. It was too painful to watch the blond in this state. It was too similar to how he had looked when he walked into my room right after I had just swallowed way too many pills

"Jisungie..." he breathes out my name with so much sorrow that guilt shatters my heart. I squeeze my eyes shut at the agonizing similarity his voice holds to that stupid day I let myself believe I wasn’t important to anyone. His hands slip down to the bottom of my neck as he hangs his head. "I'm sorry," he whispers, his words almost inaudible. I look at him in surprise- both because of his apology but also because of the nickname that I had not heard since _that _day. I had never seen Chan so broken since that day. Even Changbin had broken in his own way. Sure, he scolded me a hell of a lot, but I came to understand that it was his way of trying to understand where he went wrong- what he had done to make me believe that I meant nothing to him. I came to understand that his anger wasn’t directed at me, but himself.

"What are you sorry for, hyung? You’ve done nothing wrong. I was the one who forgot to eat. It's nothing serious, hyung. I swear I'm fine. You did nothing wrong," I inhaled sharply as I watched a tear slide down his face. Why does he always make our actions his responsibility?

"I am sorry because I didn't think to check on you and make sure you were eating. I am sorry for being a terrible leader. I am sor-" unable to handle his unnecessary apologies, I interrupted him.

"Chan hyung!" I brought my hands up to his pale face and brushed his tears away gently while speaking. "Don't apologise. You shouldn't have to check up on me to see if I am eating. I should be able to do that myself. Don't beat yourself up over it. I've just been so focused on everything else that I didn't really think about eating. None of this makes you a terrible leader, hyung. If anything, it makes me the terrible person for giving you another thing to unnecessarily worry about. It is me who should be- and is -sorry. I am sorry I forgot to eat. I will eat later, I promise. So, please don't worry about me," Chan opened his mouth to respond but I quickly clamped a hand over his mouth and glared at him half-heartedly. "Don't," I warned.

He gently removed my hand from his mouth with his hands before he spoke. "Fine. But to make sure you eat, we will have dinner together tonight. No if's, but's, or maybe's," I sighed but nodded in agreement. There was no point to arguing. Chan was past the point of negotiation. I gave Chan a small smile as he grinned at me, flashing his white teeth happily before he moved closer and hugged me tightly.

"What are you two doing?" A strained, loud voice startled both of us and we jumped apart. I stared in shock at a furious looking Minho as he stared at us, his eyes flicking between Chan and I, clearly taking in the lack of space between us. I swallowed thickly but acknowledged the sudden urge to grab Chan's wrist as he began to move away and stand up as a spear of anxiety spiraled into my lungs and severed the air from them.

I ignored Minho as his eyes narrowed at the action and instead stared up at Chan. I shook my head slightly trying to convey to him not to tell Minho what he had just found out. Chan's gaze softened but he gave no indication of agreement or disagreement. Instead, he leant forward, freeing his wrist from my grasp and slid his arms around my waist before helping me stand. I placed my hands on his shoulders and leaned against him heavily as I tested my legs before standing on my own. Chan's hands slipped off my hips as soon as I pulled away from him. A sneaky glance at Minho while Chan helped me stand resulted in me struggling to hide a smirk as jealousy ravaged his usually calm features. This was fun. A jealous Minho was new.

"What were you two doing?" He asked again harshly.

"Jisung hasn't-" I interrupted Chan swiftly the second it became clear that he planned to inform Minho of my eating habits – or rather, the lack there of.

"We were just talking, Minho hyung," I sent a subtle glare towards Chan before walking calmly past Minho as if I didn't feel light headed and like I was about to pass out if I didn't sit down. Despite my entire world swaying and feeling as if I was walking on freezing unstable air, I managed to follow a thought process well enough to decide that now would be a great time to get revenge on Minho for being so close to Hyunjin. I know it was petty, but I was still upset that a year’s worth of friendship and eight month’s worth of whatever the hell was going on between us seemed to not matter as he embraced Hyunjin like an old lover. "Now, if you will excuse us, Channie hyung just offered to help me with some choreography I am struggling with," I looked over my shoulder at Chan and watched as surprise etched its way onto his face at the use of Hyunjin's nickname for the blond. I smiled when Chan nodded and followed silently.

\---

As we walked away from Minho, Chan gravitated closer to me and whisper yelled in my ear. "What the hell was that?" Genuine confusion radiated out of his question. 

"What was what?" I asked innocently as I led him towards an empty dance room. I know I could have just told Minho that Chan and I were going to do some recordings for 3RACHA but then I would have had to ask Changbin to help cover for me as well, which means he would have to know why I needed a cover up in the first place, which kind of defeated the purpose of the cover up. Also, it wouldn’t have been as effective as mentioning Chan helping me with choreography because normally that was what Minho did.

"You know what! Why don't you want Minho to know? Why did you behave that way? Why did you call me "Channie hyung"? Only Hyunjin calls me that," I remained silent until we entered the room and I closed the door. I made my way to the black painted wall before leaning against it and sliding down to the cold wooden floor. I met Chan's curious and bewildered gaze with my own tired one.

"Because I wanted to make him feel jealous," Chan's eyes widened at my admittance. The blond I had known for almost four years sat down beside me, his face scrunched in complete confusion.

"Jealous?"

"Yes, Chan. Jealous. Because that is how he made me feel when he hugged Hyunjin and whispered in his ear."

"Oh," Chan sounded lost as I explained. "I didn't realise that you two were a thing."

"We aren't," I groaned before sighing in frustration. "That's the problem. We aren't together but I get jealous when he is too close to someone else and how he greeted Hyunjin... it just really got on my nerves," I admitted.

"Oh," Chan whispered again. I side-eyed him. His expression now held a strange sadness that I couldn’t decipher the cause of.

"Hyung?"

"Yes?"

"Don't tell the others that I haven't eaten for a while, please,"

"I-"

"Hyung! Please!" Chan startled as I suddenly shouted. He blinked as his brow furrowed and a frown tugged at the edges of his lips.

"Tell me why I shouldn't," I glared at him. Why does he have to be so difficult?

"Because I don't want anyone else to worry. Also, Minho ate all of my ramen today. I don't want him to feel guilty. I-I don't want any of you to feel guilty,” I breathed out shakily before continuing, my voice pleading for him to just agree, to just keep this quiet. “Please, hyung. We can always organise to eat together so that you don't forget to eat either," I shook my head as the blond opened his mouth to object. "Don't think I haven't noticed that you forgoe eating when you think you are too busy to stop for a second. Hell, you don't even sleep some days, Chan hyung. So, please, hyung. Keep this between you and me, otherwise I will tell the others that you don't eat or sleep either," Chan's lips were pressed together tightly. I stared up at him, waiting for his response. I had caught him there. He hated others worrying about him. He hated being the reason someone was stressed. I knew he thought we didn’t know about his sleepless nights, but it wasn’t so hard to work out when Changbin and I walked into the studio on multiple occasions to find Chan already there, still wearing the same clothes as the day before. Changbin and I pretended not to know but would subtly do things to ensure that Chan slept as often as possible. Several times, Changbin and I blatantly refused to leave until Chan did. Of course it made us feel kind of horrible because we were playing off of Chan’s compassion and hate of being the reason others are hurting or worried. But we did it. And it worked.

Finally, he sighed and nodded. "Fine. This stays between me and you. But, in return, you have to apologise to Hyunjin for being rude earlier when you greeted him." I smiled softly. His sigh of defeat was almost an exact replica of the one he had the first time he realised that we were not going to leave until he left.

"Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! I hope you enjoy this chapter. I feel like it is poorly written but I kept writting to try to overcome the writers block I am having at the moment. I hope it turned out okay and explains some things. Just incase I didn't explain it properly in this chapter, Jisung was not starving himself purposefully. I was trying to portray how busy or stressed people can often forget to eat or sleep as they are too focused on completing whatever tasks they are required to. I hope that clears things up. Have a lovely day/night ^-^


	4. Chapter 3 - Jenga and Drama

**Hyunjin POV:**

I blinked repeatedly as I stared blankly at the spot Jisung had swiftly vacated seconds before. Why does he hate me? What did I do wrong? A part of me scoffed at my own naivety. He probably hated me for the same reason most people did- because of my appearance. Because I look like someone who has never had to, or bothered to, lift a single finger.

I forced the thoughts from my mind with a shake of my head. I walked nervously towards Changbin and Minho who were laughing at a video they were watching on the phone. My hands trembled slightly as I approached them and awkwardly stood off to the side unsure of what to say. I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it when Changbin suddenly glanced up. His dark brown eyes stared at me silently as the video continued to play while Minho watched with clear intrigue, a large grin splitting his face as a strange noise crashed through the phone speakers. I glanced back at Changbin who was still observing me with an expectant expression.

Minho looked up as the video ended and glanced between Changbin and I before sighing and slapping Changbin upside the head. The latter let out an indignant squeak while he leapt away in surprise. He glared at Minho as the elder began to chuckle. "Aww Changbinnie! That has to be the cutest sound you have ever made!"

Changbin blushed and looked away with a huff. "Wasn't it cute, Hyunjin?"

Both boys were staring at me intently now and I felt anxiety bubble in my stomach. Who was I supposed to side with? Would siding with someone now impact my relationship with the one I didn't side with negatively? Minho placed a hand gently on my shoulder, genuine concern shining in his bright eyes as he searched mine. "Don't over-think it, yeah?" I nodded, embarrassment flooding my veins, reddening my face. Stupid! How could I go and let my anxiety take over like that? I gave them a small smile as I saw that Changbin was now watching me with curious eyes.

"It was kind of cute. Sorry, Changbin hyung," I shrugged and released a breath I hadn't realised I was holding as Minho's hand slipped off of my shoulder. Changbin exhaled harshly with feigned annoyance and glared at Minho and I playfully.

"It was not cute. I am the Prince of Dark and not cute in any way," Minho barked out a laugh and I couldn't stop the smile that tugged at the sides of my mouth until it was stretching upwards.

"Sure," Minho muttered sarcastically.

"Hyunjin hyung! Come join us!" I snapped my head in the direction of the yell and I smiled when I was greeted with a grinning Jeongin beckoning me over to where he, Felix, Seungmin and Chan were sitting. I glanced at Minho and Changbin who waved me away. I quickly walked over to the group and sat down cross-legged in the space made for me. I smiled at the freckled boy, Felix, who was sitting on my left as he waved excitedly at me. I glanced at Chan as he laughed suddenly.

I watched as he stared up at Woojin with a grin as the elder stood beside him with a playful pout. "We are not ordering chicken for lunch, hyung! We had it for lunch _and_ dinner yesterday," Chan was smiling fondly at Woojin as the older member huffed and walked away with his plans of chicken for lunch foiled. It was cute, watching them interact. I found myself wondering what their relationship to each other was. Were they good friends? Were they more than that? As Chan returned his attention to our small group, our eyes met. I noticed a strange emotion that I didn’t recognise behind his brown eyes but before I could analyse it he looked away and began speaking to Jeongin.

"What are we playing, Jeongin?" My brows furrowed slightly at Chan's question. But not because of the warmth his voice held as he spoke to the youngest member, but because of the lack of a nickname despite the softness in which he addressed the maknae.

"Jenga, hyung!" Jeongin smiled cutely as he began opening the jenga box and poured the blocks out onto the floor.

"Oh, we should get Jisung hyung then," Seungmin's voice was quiet and soft as he spoke and when I glanced at him I realised it was shyness. I smiled encouragingly at the second youngest before attempting to start a conversation about Jisung so that I could learn more about him and, hopefully, find a way to get him to not hate me, or at least hate me less.

"Does Jisung like Jenga?" I asked. The boy nodded before looking away and busying himself with helping set up the jenga tower. I glanced at Chan who was busy glancing around the room, presumably searching for Jisung. "He left the room, hyung," I informed Chan. The blond's intense gaze landed on me and I saw a flicker of annoyance or concern or perhaps a mixture of both emotions ignite in his dark brown eyes at my comment.

"When?" Chan's tone was the tensest I had ever heard it. I blinked in shock.

"Oh-uh... Earlier? After we finished introductions. He just walked out, Channie hyung," My voice was embarrassingly small but Chan's intense stare was restiring the anxiety that had settled in my gut earlier.

I inhaled as Chan checked his phone and his jaw clenched. It was a clear sign of anger. He stood suddenly before walking off with a mumbled "That was ten minutes ago."

We watched the blond walk out of the room wordlessly. Minho, followed closely by Changbin and Woojin approached us with questions bubbling underneath their skin and shining through their eyes. "What's up with Chan hyung?" Minho queried, his eyes flickered nervously towards the empty doorway.

"He went to find Jisung," I answered warily. I was still shaken by how quickly Chan's mood changed upon realising Jisung wasn't in the room. I have never seen him change so swiftly before. Well... not about something so simple... I found my gaze being drawn to Woojin. His caramel skin had paled slightly and his eyes held a distant look to them as he gazed out the open door.

"Woojin hyung?" I called instinctively as concern slithered through my thoughts. The eldest hummed in faint acknowledgement but his stare remained transfixed on the empty doorway where white light from the hallway was spilling into the dance room, combining with the yellowish lights above us. "Why is Chan hyung angry at Jisung for being away for ten minutes?" For a second I thought my question fell on deaf ears as the eldest did not respond immediately, but he slowly turned his head and met all of our curious gazes.

At first it appeared as if he was just going to shrug, however, he seemed to think better of it and responded after a heavy sigh. "Because Jisung is not normally like this," despite his neutral expression, his eyes revealed his internal struggle as he debated whether or not to say what ever other information he knew. As the inner turmoil disappeared when he blinked and his lips pressed together into a thin line, it became obvious that he had decided to withhold the information. But I didn't need to ponder what it could be as Seungmin suddenly piped up and suggested that we just play Jenga while we wait. If I had turned around any faster, I would have missed it- the look of gratitude Woojin sent towards the younger member.

An unidentifiable emotion crawled low in my stomach, causing me to shiver uncomfortably. My shoulders tensed, my spine straightened and my hands clenched as I struggled to focus on the game. Minho rested his hands on my shoulders and gently rubbed small circles with his fingers until I relaxed. I shot him an appreciative look before slowly removing a block from the tower. I cheered as I removed the block without the tower tumbling down.

We continued to play and I continued to easily extract blocks without fail. Minho and Changbin joined in on the cheering excitedly as I removed block after block without knocking down the tower. However, after several turns each, the mood within the room shifted to a more solemn one as Woojin announced that Chan had been gone for ten minutes. Minho's hands left my shoulders as he quickly offered to go see if he could find both Chan and Jisung. Woojin nodded in agreement and the dark haired dancer walked out of the room swiftly.

We all returned our attention back to the jenga game but with less enthusiasm than before. I glanced around at the others and saw a reoccurring theme of thoughtfulness furrowing their brows. I felt Changbin sit down beside me but didn't spare him a glance as I focused on Jeongin's attempt to remove his selected block near the bottom of the tower and began preparing a strategy to ensure the tower didn't tumble on my turn. We all laughed, the sound feeling out of place in the subdued atmosphere, as Jeongin gasped in response to the tower wobbling before serenading us with a dolphin like squeal as it crashed to the ground.

Our laughter swiftly died in our throats as a furious Minho stormed into the room, snatched up his bag and left without a single word. We stared at the doorway in dumbfounded silence, none of us attempting to go after the enraged boy with fire dancing brightly in his eyes. As I mulled over Minho's dark expression, which seemed to drain the room of light, a flicker of recognition registered in my mind. I had seen a similar expression darken Jisung's own expression today when Minho introduced himself to me. A memory of the same fire burning in Chan's eyes two years ago flashed to the forefront of my mind. I inhaled sharply as realisation trembled through my bones. Minho was jealous.

I stood abruptly and ran out of the room in the direction I had seen Minho take.

\------------------------

**No One's POV:**

Soon after Minho stormed away and Hyunjin hurried after the older boy, Chan and Jisung entered the room. Chan was shaking his head, chuckling presumably at some joke Jisung had just told him, as the latter was smile widely with a pleased grin crinkling his eyes into crescents. The boys stared at the group gathered in the back left corner of the room.

The blond raked his eyes over the members, noting who was there, pausing as he noticed that both Minho and Hyunjin were missing. He opened his mouth to ask where the two members had gone but Jisung beat him to it.

"Where's Minho hyung?" The dark haired boy visibly stiffened as he realised that the newest member was also missing. "Where is Hyunjin?" No one commented on the lack of honorifics after the latter's name. The other members shrugged and looked away from the two standing just inside the doorway.   
Chan tried to capture his hyung's eyes but found his elder was avoiding his stare. He glanced around at the other silent boys, annoyance building in his chest as they all effectively avoided meeting his eyes. He blinked as he realised why they weren't speaking up when they clearly knew where both of the boys were. He quickly pieced together from Minho's missing bag that the brunette had left, likely with Hyunjin in tow. It wasn’t completely unusual for Hyunjin to comfort someone when they were upset, but to go with someone he had just met hurt the blond a little. It had taken him over a year to even get the boy to open up to him about the little things, and yet he just willingly left with a stranger? He knew he should feel somewhat happy that Hyunjin was confident enough to do that now, but he was just afraid that the ravenette would end up hurt again.

Chan exhaled slowly and decided to confirm his suspicions. "Did Minho and Hyunjin leave together?" Silence greeted him for a moment before Seungmin spoke up, his voice small and wary.

"Minho stormed in, grabbed his bag and left. Hyunjin ran out not long after. We don't know where either of them went. Sorry, hyung." The blond’s brows furrowed, several thoughts swirling through his head simultaneously. No one had ever seen Minho angry. Sure, they had seen him frustrated and annoyed. But nothing near furious.

"That's alright, Seungmin. Thank you. I have a few places in mind. You can all head home if you like. We are done for today," Chan glanced at Changbin and Jisung as he continued. "Changbin, Jisung, meet me at the studio in four hours. Text me what you want for dinner and I will bring it in on my way over. See you later," with his dismissal complete, Chan exited the room calmly while tapping away on his phone in a vicious way that completely contrasted his relaxed demeanor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! I hope you are well. I hope this chapter is okay. Also, I am going to mention now - just in case it wasn't obvious - that this fanfic includes undertones of Minsung and Hyunchan in the beginning but will be Hyunsung centered as the plot progresses and the Minsung/Hyunchan relationships are explained. I have plans and I hope you will enjoy them :)


	5. Chapter 4 - Golden Shimmers and Purple Shadows

**Hyunjin POV:**

As I exited the dance room, I veered right and ran down the hall towards the elevator. I slowed to a stop and glanced around. I couldn't see Minho anywhere, but then I hadn't really expected to catch up with him considering how swiftly he left. I exhaled in annoyance as I pressed the button to summon the elevator and waited. It dinged almost immediately, its silver doors opening to reveal an empty square space. Gentle music filtered out of speakers hooked into the roof of the box, growing louder as I stepped inside. I stared at the buttons before choosing the ground floor. Minho had likely left the building given his mood. Questions whirled though my mind as I travelled downwards in the elevator. What had made Minho jealous? Was he an angry jealous person or a sad jealous person? I huffed at that particular query as I thought back to how Minho had been radiating rage.

The doors of the lift opened and I stepped out. I searched the lobby, hope fluttering in my chest as I caught sight of Minho walking swiftly away from the building. I hurried after him, curiosity and concern propelling me forward. "Minho hyung!" I called out to him as I approached. His head snapped in my direction, his angry gaze meeting mine. I halted my movements as he glared at me. I stood awkwardly as he looked forward and continued to walk away without a word. "Hyung?" I tried again but the brunette ignored me.

Annoyance pricked my skin at his behaviour. I didn't do anything wrong this time. I don't deserve the cold shoulder. I followed Minho, quietly seething as old memories I had tried to forget fought to resurface, adding fuel to the fire burning my heart. I hate jealousy. It turns people into something they are not. Although, some believe jealousy reveals who people truly are…

The dancer in front of me paused as we reached a bus stop. He glanced over his shoulder, his dark eyes settling on me, the raging fire within them now nothing more than embers. He gestured me over with a swift movement of his hand. "Want to come with me?" All anger abandoned me as his soft voice reached my ears and I nodded. I don’t know what it was, but his calm, smooth voice was comforting and swept away all feelings of annoyance and confusion. I moved until I was standing beside him. We stood in silence as we waited for a bus. I allowed my eyes to roam over the people across the street. They were all walking with purpose, brisk strides carrying them in opposite directions, towards their destinations.

I observed two children chasing after each other, weaving in and out of the busy women and men with loud laughter escaping into the world. Unconsciously, a small smile crept onto my face as I watched the boy and girl grow distracted by a market stall selling strawberries. They jumped around excitedly, rocking backwards and forwards on their feet as they searched the incoming traffic of bustling bodies for their parents. Warmth enveloped my heart as their mother approached them, crouched down before them and listened to their excited exclamations followed by pouted pleas for sweet strawberries. The woman obliged her children, buying them three strawberries on sticks each before ushering them into the herd of swift moving locals.

Just as I began to lose sight of the family, a bus pulled in close to the side of the road. A hissing sigh heralded the doors opening. I followed Minho closely as we hopped onto the bus and sat down towards the back of the vehicle. I took up the seat beside the brunette as he claimed the window seat, his gaze already settling on the outside world as the bus pulled away from the curve and lurched onto the road. I watched the scenery pass by from the window on the opposite side of the isle in silence. I allowed my thoughts to amble through my mind, not really focusing on any particular memory, idea or question as the bus continued to drive away from the JYP building.

The sun was still high in the sky, casting small shadows that barely stretched across the sidewalks or roads, as we exited the bus. The trip had taken us almost twenty minutes and I had no clue where we were. The streets were less busy than the ones we left behind but it did nothing to calm my nerves. I kept close behind Minho as he walked calmly towards his destination. "Where are we going, hyung?" My question was met with a dismissive hand gesture.

"You'll see when we get there," I nodded despite the fact that the older boy would not see this and decided to just focus on memorising the scenery so that I could make my way back to the bus stop if I somehow became separated from Minho in this new area. We passed several food places I wanted to enter. My stomach grumbled as we continued to just walk past these stores and twinges of hunger reminded me that I had skipped breakfast and lunch in favour of ensuring I was at the JYP building while everyone was on break so I wouldn't interrupt practice.

Minho stopped, turning around and staring at me with confusion. I blinked and I realised that I had slowed down at some point, growing distracted by my stomach and the delicious smells emanating from each building. "Sorry, hyung," I scratched the back of my neck embarrassedly as I quickly walked to where Minho was standing. He glanced between me and the large menu plastered on the store's window before speaking.

"Are you hungry, Hyunjin?" I shook my head.

"No, no no, hyung. I was just lost in thought is all," Minho stared at me skeptically, his keen eyes narrowing as he observed me, making it clear he saw through my lie.

"It's fine if you are. I am somewhat peckish myself. What did you have for lunch? I don't want to get something that you've already had today.”

"Uh..." I blinked sheepishly at Minho before muttering out that I hadn't had lunch. I stared at the ground, suddenly finding the pores in the cement _very _interesting as the brunette's previously neutral expression morphed into one of pure surprise.

"You skipped lunch!" I grimaced at the shock and concern weaved into the simple question. "Why?"

"I didn't have time for it. Not if I wanted to meet everyone while you weren't practicing," I admitted only glancing up from the ground to observe Minho's reaction. I was met with an empathetic expression as he grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the store, despite my protests.

After ten minutes of eating in silence, we left the building, our stomachs happily full. Minho had refused to let me pay, insisting that I was his dongsaeng and that meant that he would pay. Eventually, I begrudgingly agreed to allow him to pay for the delicious meal.

We walked in comfortable silence as the sun slipped lower in the sky and the shadows began to elongate like fingers stretching towards us. I sighed contentedly as a large park swathed in a warm yellow-orange glow with dancing shadows playing in the short blades of pale green grass as a breeze ruffled through them came into view. In my peripherals, I noticed Minho glance at me, a soft smile gracing his lips with a gentle curve.

"It's breathtaking, isn't it?" he whispered in the delicate silence only broken by the distant hubbub of busy streets deeper within the city. I nodded in agreement, unwilling to burst the bubble of beautiful quiet that had washed over us. "Come," Minho grabbed my wrist and lead me through the park towards a tree glistening golden in the evening sunlight.

We sat beneath the golden tree with heavy limbs. I watched as Minho observed our surroundings silently. As the brunette's attention returned to me I barely contained my gasp of surprise, "You look like a god." The sun had turned his brown hair into spun gold and painted his features with warm caramel.

"I haven't been compared to a god before, but I definitely like it," an amused chuckle tumbled from Minho's rosy coloured lips, which seemed as if they had been dusted in shining specks of gold. I looked away as a blush crept up my neck and settle in my cheeks. "Aww, don't be embarrassed. It was a sweet compliment. Thank you," I met his stare and found that his eyes were burning a fiery gold. A god indeed. We looked out at the small sanctuary hidden away behind the behemoth city lost in our own thoughts for several minutes until Minho suddenly spoke. "Why did you follow me?" his question startled me from my reverie and I squinted at him in confusion.

"What do you mean?" Minho turned towards me, watching my reactions intently.

"Why did you follow me? Why did you follow me out of the JYP building? Why did you follow me to the bus stop? Why did you follow me here before even knowing where we were heading?" The bombardment of questions sent the gears in my head spinning wildly in a frenzied attempt to keep up with all of his queries.

"I-uh-um..." I stumbled over my words as I struggled to organise my thoughts. Minho's golden gaze was observing me patiently, waiting for me to answer his questions.

"Honestly?" Minho nodded slowly. "Well, when you stormed into the room, your face- your expression was familiar. It took me a moment to work it out, but I realised that I saw that expression on Jisung when you were introducing yourself to me and on Ch-" I cut myself off with a cough, my eyes widening as I almost divulged information that only Chan and I know about. Anxiety churned the food in my stomach as Minho's interest clearly piqued.

"And?" he asked, his keen brown eyes searching mine for answers.

"And nothing," I responded firmly. He nodded but I could tell by his pursed lips that he planned to ask me about it again later.

"Okay. How was my expression similar to Jisung's?"

I gazed out at the glowing field as I replied uncertainly, "You were jealous," Minho's eyebrows rose and his mouth opened in a small '_oh_'. "That's why I followed you."

"You followed me because you observed that Jisung and I have similar expressions when 'jealous'," he snorted in disbelief, his face contorting with sudden annoyance. "Surely you have a better reason than that?" I shrugged and returned to staring into the distance. "Why would you follow me half way across the city on a hunch that I was jealous over something?"

I remained silent and ignored Minho's expectant stare. "Is it because of Chan hyung?" I glanced at the brunette in alarm.

"W-what! No, no! What would he have to do with any of this?" I sputtered out. Unfortunately, this only seemed to confirm whatever suspicions Minho had and he just shook his head as a knowing look settled in his glowing eyes.

"Absolutely nothing of course."

"Well then why-"

"That's what I want to know, Hyunjin. Why?" I blinked at the brunette. "I want the real reason why you left that room. You could have just kept playing Jenga while waiting for Chan and Jisung to return. So, why didn't you?"

"Because I wanted to know what made you jealous," I began, meeting Minho's stare. "I left the room and followed you to the bus stop because jealousy changes people. It makes- it turns them into someone else, and they do things they normally wouldn't do as rage, bitterness, and sadness fuel their actions. I wanted to make sure you didn't do anything stupid," I smiled sheepishly at Minho as I muttered the last part. Thankfully, the elder grinned before leaning forward and ruffling my hair.

"Don't worry. About the most I would have done is gone home and ordered a whole lot of unhealthy food."

"Oh... Is that what you would have done if I hadn't followed you?" I asked. Guilt threatened to nibble at my insides at the thought that I had interfered with Minho's plans.

"Yeah. But this is so much better. Don't worry," He flashed me a reassuring smile and I relaxed, flicking away the guilt clinging onto the bottom of my stomach. Silence settled over us like a blanket as we watched the sun slowly set. "So, how did you and Chan hyung meet?"

I glanced at Minho warily but his gaze remained on the horizon and his face neutral. I shrugged and chewed on my lower lip as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. This question was inevitable, of course, and it seems simple enough to answer for most people- like maybe they met him through training, at the café, or even at the shops. But for me... A snippet of a repressed memory flashed before my eyes before disappearing, no longer available for me to access, and with it, my emotions. I shivered as a cold emptiness seeped into my skin and replaced my organs with heavy, frozen stones. I blinked and realised that at some point I had brought my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms tightly around them and nestled my chin on top of my knees. I risked a glance at Minho and wished I hadn't. Concern furrowed his brow and darkened his eyes as he searched my face for clues to my behaviour. With the sun setting, half of Minho's face is cast in gold and the other in shadows as he leaned forward and wiped away a stray tear that had escaped out of my eye and onto my cheek without my noticing it.

"What's wrong, Hyunjin? Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry if I upset you," I shook my head vigorously.

"N-no," I stuttered out. I could tell this didn't convince him as barely masked guilt tensed his jaw and drew his lips into a remorseful thin line. "It's-I-you-just..." I sighed in frustration and buried my head between my chest and legs.

"Being a visual isn't always desirable," I muttered, my voice muffled by my clothes. However, I knew Minho heard me because he moved closer and hugged me. "Some people think having a certain appearance is an... _invitation_," I shuddered out a shaky breath as I whispered the final word of my sentence. Minho pulled away from me suddenly and I flinched reflexively. I glanced at him sharply, but found I wasn't surprised to see a mixture of disgust and shock contorting his features. Of course, he's disgusted. What kind of man lets himself be violated? Only me... disgusting me, who was too scared to do anything. I was snapped out of the thoughts both Chan and my therapist have told me I shouldn't believe, when Minho's shaky voice broke the silence.

"You were raped?" His question sent cold chills to my bones. I turned away from the brunette, shame reddening my face. I nodded jerkily in response to the elder. In my peripherals, I noticed Minho's hands twitch uselessly in his lap. "How long ago?" he whispered warily, his eyes downcast, drowning in shadows.

"Five years."

"Isn't that-"

"Yes," I interrupted Minho, realising where his train of thought was heading from the direction our conversation had taken. "But I met him after it happened."

"_Oh_..."

"Yeah. He helped me, a lot. I owe him my life two times over. Despite everything- despite how many times I seemed to take one step forward and a thousand steps backwards, he was always there to help me. He was always there to make sure I was safe, healthy and happy. I don't know what made me trust him so quickly, especially after-after..." I paused, unable to finish the sentence. I glanced at Minho to see if he understood what I meant. He nodded for me to continue with a small encouraging smile. "I just did. I am glad I did because he helped me at my pace, only pushing me when he knew I could handle it. He helped me handle being around strangers again, he helped me reacquaint myself with crowds, with people bumping into me, hugging me, touching me. He stayed with me when he knew I shouldn't be alone. Channie hyung was always there for me..." I trailed off as I took in the brunette's solemn expression, the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.

"I am sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve that," Minho blurted out frantically, his empathy and frustration spilling out of his eyes.

"Maybe, maybe not," I responded dully. Minho opened his mouth to object but I held up a hand and continued. "But if it hadn't happened, I doubt I ever would have met Chan, and even if I had, I don't think we would be as close as we are now."

"Okay," Minho's voice sounded hoarse as he choked out the word. A pang of sorrow shot through my chest at the sight of Minho's distraught expression. He truly believes I didn't deserve it? How can that be? I moved towards him and hugged him tightly as he hiccupped to conceal a sob as tears cascaded down his face.

"Don't be sad, hyung. It's in the past."

"But-"

"Shhh, it's fine, hyung," I rocked a quietly crying Minho as he came to terms with the information I had given him until his tears ceased and his body only trembled slightly. It was sweet in a way, to see someone who cared so much that he freely allowed tears to roll down his face in unending waves. But I felt like it was wasted on someone like me. I didn’t deserve his kind words or tears. I loosened my hold on him and leant back to observe him. He swiftly scrubbed at his face with his shirtsleeves to remove the tears and used to tissue I handed him to clean off the snot from his face. "You okay now?" He nodded and mumbled out an apology, which I quickly dismissed.

"So... What made you jealous earlier?" Minho froze his gaze flickering up to meet mine with a hint of betrayal and surprise passing through his dark brown eyes. He chuckled, nervously running a hand through his hair before responding.

"Well, I guess since you trust me enough to share _that _with me, then I have to admit to being jealous and tell you why," he shifted uncomfortably before moving closer to the tree and leaning his back against it. He shivered and I felt goose bumps prickle my exposed skin in response to the increasing chill in the air. I shifted closer to Minho and pressed my back against his chest gently and allowed my head to rest against his shoulder. He brought his hand up to my hair absentmindedly as he spoke.

"I found Chan and Jisung. Jisung was sitting on the ground and Chan was kneeling in front of him, but they were too close. I don't know what was happening but Jisung suddenly put his hands on Chan's face while talking to him and then Chan hugged him and- Hyunjin, they were so close," Minho exhaled shakily before continuing and I hummed in acknowledgement while wondering where this recount was going.

His fingers halted their idle movements through my hair as he explained what happened next. "I asked them what they were doing but neither of them responded. I mean they practically jumped apart, but when Chan began to move away and stand up, Jisung grabbed his wrist and shook his head. Why would he shake his head, Hyunjin? What could it mean?" I shrugged in response to his question as I had no answer. The brunette continued despite my lack of an answer.

"They stared into each other's eyes for a whole three seconds before Chan hyung suddenly wrapped his arms around Jisungie's waist and lifted him until he was standing," I glanced at Minho from the side of my eye in surprise at the nickname for the younger member. He had only used it now- so randomly it seemed almost out of place. "The worst part is, Jisung leaned into him!"

I blinked blankly at this. How was I supposed to react? Chan has always been a touchy person, so it is nothing new to me that he and someone else may be so close physically, but for some reason this closeness was aggravating Minho. Does he like Jisung? As Minho blundered on with his story, I listened intently, intrigued by the situation that had sparked his jealousy while trying to decipher Minho's emotions for the squirrel like boy.

"When I asked them again what they were doing- because they didn't respond the first time- Jisung stopped Chan hyung from talking with some bullshit about them just talking and hyung offering to help Jisung with choreography. I mean, what the actual hell? Chan never helps Jisung with choreography. That is my job! And I just realised I lied before. This next bit is truly the worst part of it all. He called Chan, _Channie hyung_!"

I tensed at the familiar nickname. Jisung called Chan "Channie hyung"? Why? That's _my_ nickname for him! "B-but-" I stuttered out before Minho interrupted me with a rush of words.

"He never calls hyung that! Never! Not to mention we are only allowed to call Chan either hyung or Chan hyung. So, why would he let Jisungie call him that but not the rest of us?" By the end, Minho's voice was barely above a whisper as if he were simply asking himself questions that he knew had no answer. I peered at him through shadows and saw confusion and jealousy battling across his face. As wise and cold as he may seem at a first glance, Minho was really just a perceptive, sensitive young adult, like the rest of us.

"Minho hyung?" I whispered after a moment of contemplative silence.

"Hmmm?" He inclined his head so that he could meet my stare.

"Do you like Jisung?" I watched as the brunette's eyebrows rose and he nodded slowly. "Does he like you?" I ventured. Minho turned his head away, hiding his expression from view as he replied, his fingers returning to their previous amble through my hair.

"I don't know. Some days I think he does, but other days..." Minho trailed off with a sigh. "We should head back. It's getting cold and you should get some sleep before tomorrow. Chan hyung is strict when it comes to practicing. You don't want to be tired on your first day," I nodded and stood, shivering at the loss of the brunette's body warmth. We slowly wandered away from the once shining golden tree, now a dull bluish-purple silhouette in the absence of the sun.

A cool breeze weaved between the branches and leaves of every tree we walked pass, chilling my exposed skin until waves of shivers washed over my body. Suddenly, I felt warm material pressed against my arm. I glanced at Minho, surprise etching its way into my features. He was offering me his jumper. I shook my head as I noticed his exposed skin already covered in goose bumps. "No. You'll be cold," I pushed the jumper back towards him but the brunette sighed in exasperation and threw it at me.

I let out a confused squawk as the bunched material hit my face and the elder chuckled. "Just wear it. You're colder than I am," I conceded begrudgingly. I was quite cold thanks to the freezing breeze, which only seemed to be growing stronger as it whipped our hair around haphazardly. As I slipped the jumper over my head, I noticed it was still warm from Minho's body heat despite the cold wind. Surprisingly, it was only a little bit too small. While it had looked huge on Minho, on me, it didn't bunch at all. I sent Minho an appreciative smile as the jumper protected me from the cold nipping of the wind.

We reached the bus stop just in time to run into a frazzled looking Chan. The blond visibly relaxed when he saw us heading towards him. "There you are! Thank god! I looked everywhere for you both. You are okay, right?" I suppressed a giggle at Chan's exclamations and a glance at Minho informed me that he was doing the same.

"Yes, hyung. We are fine," I responded with a grin while looking at Minho who was also grinning. Chan began to nod but stopped part way through the action when something caught his attention. He squinted, a strange expression swamping his features until the relief was drowned by it.

"Isn't that Minho's jumper?" Chan questioned as he eyed the article of clothing suspiciously.

"Oh, yeah. Minho is letting me borrow it," I responded offhandedly, not thinking much of it until Chan all but glared at the brunette beside me.

"He was cold, Chan hyung," Minho affirmed, his breath hissing through his teeth. “Would you have preferred it if I let him freeze?” The bite in his tone made me flinch and I glanced between the two in confusion. What was going on? Before I could ponder Chan's weird behaviour any further a bus pulled into the curb. Minho grabbed my arm gently and led me onto the bus, wordlessly pushing past the agitated blond. Minho chose a two-seater spot with people in front and behind us. I was going to ask him where Chan was going to sit when the blond walked by without so much as a glance, his face scarily devoid of any emotion. I looked at Minho in confusion.

"What just happened?" I queried.   
The brunette shrugged, stare intently focused outside the window.

"I don't know, you tell me,"

At first, I almost felt offended by his sudden cold, bluntness towards me when I hadn't done anything wrong, but his next words explained why he phrased his reply the way he did.

"Chan was the other name you were going to say when you were explaining how you knew I was jealous and why you followed me, wasn't it?" I hung my head and nervously played with the rings on my fingers. "I'm right, aren't I?" I nodded. There was no point lying.

"Why do you ask, hyung?" I whispered uncertainly. Minho answered my question with another question instead of an answer. Or perhaps it was an answer, just not in the conventional sense.

"Why did he get jealous?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Readers! I decided to try something new with this chapter and really tried to focus on description. I hope it worked out okay and you like it. I am sorry this chapter is a bit weird, I was hoping to focus on building a bond between Hyunjin and Minho while explaining some of Hyunjin's history and his relationship with Chan (as in why they are so close). I apologise though, if this is moving too slowly. I am trying to have events move as quickly as possible without ruining the experience for you.


	6. Chapter 5 - Airing the Dirty Laundry PART 1

**Jisung POV:**

I flinched as the studio door flung open aggressively. I saw Changbin, on the couch across from me, stiffen, an unreadable expression reigning over his features as a furious blond stormed into the room. We both stared at our leader silently as he practically threw the bags of food onto the small coffee table in front of the couch before striding to the other side of the room and shoving around cords with shaking hands. Changbin regarded the roughly discarded bags with a wary gaze before raising his eyes to look at Chan, a strange mix of annoyance and curiosity swimming in his brown eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you, Chan?" I winced at the lack of honorifics as my sharp-jawed friend began to scold Chan. "You don't throw food! I don't care how pissed off you are, you do NOT disrespect food! It is sacred," I could tell it was a half-hearted joke mixed in with a warning reminder that we didn't own this studio and couldn't risk ruining anything. But I also knew that this was not the right time for Changbin to be testing boundaries. I shrunk into myself as Chan whirled around to face Changbin, his brown eyes a dark raging storm as he glared at the rapper.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do," Chan seethed, his eyebrows resting heavily on his face, his lips twisting into a snarl. "Remember your place Changbin. I am your _hyung _and leader. Show some respect," My face paled the second Changbin rose, anger settling into his posture, his head held high as he maintained eye contact with Chan; A warrior ready for war.

"I would if there was someone worth respecting," I watched as my friends stood before each other, breathing heavily, fists clenched, and eyes darker than storm clouds covering the night sky. Fear crawled up my spine. I knew what Changbin was doing, but it didn't make this any more comfortable. Chan was like a bomb that could explode at any second, a flash of lighting that could strike quicker than you could blink, a furious whirlwind of a tornado that could either mercilessly tear your life a part or go around your town.

The blond deflated, collapsing heavily onto the couch, guilt and sadness shining brightly in eyes as tears pricked at the edges, rushing to flow down his face. I released a breath I hadn't realised I was holding. The tension dissipated as quickly as it came like an earthquake, disappearing, but not without leaving destruction in its wake. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me," Chan mumbled out, embarrassment heating his cheeks, dusting them with a pop of colour that stood out starkly against his pale skin. Changbin's shoulders sagged, relief washing over his features. He sat down beside our leader, concern tumbling out of his mouth.

"It's alright, hyung. I am just glad you didn't hit me. I am sorry for what I said. What-" Chan glanced harshly at Changbin, hurt flickering across his face.

"I would never hurt you, Binnie," A lump formed in my throat. Chan sounded so broken, his brown eyes now holding nothing more than a simpering rain cloud of regret. "You know that right?" My heart clenched tightly as jealousy tore through my chest. Chan had given Changbin a nickname. A full on, actual nickname. A nickname that seemed to hold so much more meaning than the simple '-ie' addition to my name he only gave me when he was severely disappointed in me. Where's mine? Am I not worth it? What am I lacking that makes me less than Hyunjin and Changbin?

I watched my two _friends _interacting silently. I felt invisible as Changbin nodded and hugged Chan as both of them mumbled to each other too quietly for me to hear. I sunk further into the chair, feeling out of place. Should I just leave? But where would I go? An image of a tall brown eyed, dark haired, plump-lipped prince surfaced in the front of my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut in an effort to make the boy disappear. Why the hell would I go to him? Why did I even think of him? I don't even know him!

I jumped, startled when Chan's voice filled the room a little too loudly, nervously. "I suppose you want an, um, explanation?" I glanced at him and met his concerned gaze. His brow furrowed as he stared at me, "Are you okay, Jisung?"

A slap in the face. That's what it felt like. A wake up call. I am not important enough to have a nickname. I attempted to school my face into one that portrayed the opposite of what I was feeling. But the my lips barely curled upwards as I tried to convince him that I was perfectly fine- perfectly fine despite the stinging wound Chan had carelessly flung salt onto. I knew it was a poor attempt as Chan's brows furrowed.

"I'm good, hyung."

"You sure?" This time I forced a grin and sat up straighter.

"Yes! Of course, I am okay, hyung. Why wouldn't I be?" A foreign laugh passed my lips as a new, heavy emotion settled against my heart while an all too familiar one curdled the acid in my stomach until I felt like throwing up. I instinctively glanced at Changbin and immediately regretted it. His brown eyes were focused intently on me, his brows were drawn low over his eyes, his lips pulled down in a disapproving frown.

"Jisung," he began sternly. "Why aren't you?" I blinked in confusion at him. Why aren't I what? I flickered my glance over at the blond beside him in hopes that he would explain what _Binnie _meant. However, he continued to observe me quietly before betraying his earlier promise to me.

"He hasn't been eating," The world slowed as too many emotions whirled behind Changbin's eyes. I glared at Chan, furious as Changbin's gaze bore into the side of my skull imploringly.

"CHAN HYUNG! You promised! We had a deal! You said you wouldn't tell the others!" I yelled, rising slightly from my seat as I stared down the blond who had just betrayed me. Before I could say anything else, Changbin turned to Chan, his tone harsh.

"You promised to keep it a secret? Chan, you know how dangerous this is. This isn't something you should keep from everyone," The omittance of 'hyung' in this instance emphasized Changbin's scolding words more so than before. Chan hung his head silently as he listened to Changbin's disappointment. Changbin settled his hard stare on me and I sunk back into the chair as much as I could, exhausted by the effort expended to sit up straight. "And you! What did I tell you about not eating last time? Hmm?" I clamped my mouth shut tightly. With Changbin, it was best to let him just rant and expel the anger from his system rather than speaking and trying to make excuses. "You know you can't just not eat. I have to convince Chan to eat enough without needing to be worried about you on top of that! And what the hell has Minho been doing? Has he just decided to-" Chan tensed, his head snapping up as Minho's name was mentioned. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion and I leaned forward, my curiosity piqued. What did Minho have to do with all of this? Changbin suddenly cut himself off with a cough as Chan tapped him not so subtly. "Uh-right... Anyway, Chan brought food, and I want to see you eat Jisung," the finality of his tone meant that the conversation was done, but I ignored it as uneasiness slithered into my stomach and coiled around the organ.

"Why did you bring up Minho, hyung?" I asked while the rapper began removing the food from the plastic bags.

"Eat." Changbin's stern voice silenced the rest of the questions dancing on the tip of my tongue. His cold stare was vicious and threatening. He was mad. I could understand that. But he was keeping something from me. Something about Minho. I don't like being out of the loop. The all too familiar feeling leapt from my stomach, into my chest and wrapped its cold hand around my lungs until I was struggling to breath. A familiar bubbling darkness filled my chest and tainted my thoughts. They were keeping things from me because they didn't trust me, because they didn't think I was _worth _their trust. The overwhelming sensation of old thoughts and emotions barreling into me without warning after months of absence left me reeling. I wanted the thoughts to stop but no matter how much I try to convince myself that they're not true, it isn't the same as when arms are wrapped around me and that specific voice whispers to me that they aren't true.

"_Changbinnie_," I whined, coining the nickname from the time I went to Changbin a few months after the day I completely gave in to the feeling of worthlessness. I watched as he froze, his shoulders tensed, his chopsticks paused in mid-air as his eyes stared, unfocused, at the container of food in his hands. Panic flared up within me as the dark haired rapper remained motionless as a suffocating silence strangled the room of all sound. Chan glanced between us, confusion sweeping across his features delicately. I ignored Chan's silent questions as he observed us and instead focused on staring at the tense ravenette. "_Changbinnie_," I whined again, dragging his name out slowly in a low, needy whine. '_Please just look at me!' _My thoughts screamed at the frozen boy opposite from me. '_Make it stop. Please... I can't-I-Changbinnie, I don't want to feel like this anymore'. _I tried to convey the thoughts through my eyes, my mouth refusing to do it for me. Dark brown eyes snapped up to meet mine, haunted memories swirling in their depths as they glistened with the desperate pleas of the past.

"Sungie..." he choked out in a broken whisper. "Don't. Please don't."

I blinked in surprise as the rapper placed the food and his chopsticks down on the table shakily before standing and leaving the room. I stared at the door Changbin closed behind him and felt a warm tear slowly sliding down my cheek. He never used to leave. Why did he leave now? Why did he leave me? Because I'm not worth it. The thought was spearing through my chest before I could stop it, stabbing into my heart mercilessly. He never meant anything that he said. Why would he? Why would anyone? I am a speck of dust no one wants on their clothes. Anxiety and confusion dug their claws into my chest and tore into the sensitive flesh, tearing my heart and lungs into pieces as I waited for him to walk back in, to take me into his arms and whisper that everything would be alright, that I just had to hold onto him and everything would be okay. Tears soaked my cheeks and jeans as they fell in endless streams from my eyes.

I want to go back in time. I want to the days when Hyunjin didn't exit. I want to go back to the days when I never knew Minho. I want to go back to the days when Chan and Changbin never left my side- when I didn't feel like I was fighting a losing battle alone.

Suddenly, protective arms were wrapping around me, pulling me in tightly to a broad chest. But they were the wrong protective arms, the wrong broad chest. "Hey, hey, Jisung, breathe. Just breathe okay?" The wrong comforting voice. This was all wrong. I pulled away from Chan and despite my action being weak, he released me as if I had broken free of his hold. I stared at the door, begging silently for it to let Changbin back in. I couldn't do this without him. I couldn't do it anymore. They both used to be there for me no matter what, but since the five others had joined us, they have pulled away and left me to deal with everything alone. I am so weak. I can't even handle a couple of memories or emotions by myself. An old part of myself scoffed in disgust and I whimpered unconsciously. My body felt like it was burning and freezing at the same time while my chest was being split apart. I choked on a sob as my eyes slid towards movement caught by my peripherals. Chan remained kneeling in front of me despite my blatant rejection towards him. He remained on his knees, staring up at me, heartbroken and completely at a loss at what to do but I barely spared him a glance, afraid that if I even so much as blinked, I would miss Changbin walking in through the door.

Time dragged by slowly, the clock in the studio ticking endlessly, marching forward in a slow, continuous circle. What was merely minutes, felt like an eternity. The eternity seeped the energy from my body hungrily and I deflated, retracting into myself, curling into the couch as the comfort I sought never arrived. I didn't deserve that comfort anyway... Colourful, grey tinged memories danced around the edges of my mind, reminding me of the time when I woke Changbin in the dark of the early morning in an attempt to chase away the inexplicable overwhelming feeling of despair at being alive. I had shaken the dark haired rapper awake with whispered pleas and silent tears and he had held me tightly in his arms, refusing to let go as I begged him to make it all stop. To make the agonizing torture end. To make the unwanted thoughts disappear. He held me, until he could trust his own voice to be strong enough for the both of us. And despite his haggard breath and shaky words, it was strong enough. Strong enough for us to believe that if we both just held onto each other, then it would be enough to make everything okay, even if just for a little while.

The door flew open and Changbin burst in. His face puffy and tear streaked, his hands shaky and slightly bloodied. He rushed towards me, pulling me into his arms, sliding into the chair and tugging me onto his lap with his strong arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It will be alright. Everything will be okay if you just don't let go."

"_Changbinnie_..." a tremble shook Changbin's body and his voice wavered as he answered my unspoken pleas.

"I'm here, Sungie. I'm here now. Everything will be okay, I promise," I hid my face in Changbin's chest. This was right. The right arms, the right chest, the right voice. Everything was going to be okay now.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Chan's POV:**

I stood and moved away from the two holding each other like their lives depended on it. I collapsed onto the couch I had originally been sitting on, my limbs heavy with the feeling of being left out. Whatever was going on, it had happened before. Jisung had given Changbin his own nickname and held him tightly. How many times had they done this? Why did Jisung trust Changbin and not me?

I stared at my hands, lost in thought as Changbin continued to whisper inaudible things to Jisung until his sobs quietened to small whimpers. How had I never known about this? Why did Jisung suddenly behave that way? What did I do wrong? I clasped my hands together tightly until the knuckles were white and the skin was pulled taut across the muscles.

"Sungie, baby, it's okay. Just don't let go and everything will be okay," Changbin's voice was louder, wavering but strong as he gently rocked the still shaking Jisung. He even calls him 'baby'? This knowledge stabbed at my heart. Almost four years of knowing Jisung and Changbin, and yet I felt as if I knew nothing about them, as if the four years just dissolved into thin air. I clenched my jaw. I couldn't do it anymore. This interaction was too personal, too intimate and I wasn't a part of it. I was just an unwanted bystander intruding on their private moment.

I stood and silently made my way to the door, but before I could turn the handle and open the door, a hoarse voice stopped me. "Don't leave, hyung," I inhaled sharply. Jisung's voice was cut by merciless shards of glass, causing his words to bubble and overflow with panicked desperation. It was perturbing. I turned around slowly and met Changbin's disappointed stare. His eyes conveyed a story I couldn't read as he waited for me to walk away from the door. I stepped away from my only escape route hesitantly. Why did Jisung want me to stay? Why was Changbin disappointed? What was I missing? I sat back down on the couch, my back straight and stiff, the muscles refusing to unbunch and relax. Satisfied that I wasn't leaving, Jisung hid his face against Changbin's chest, the crown of his head resting under Changbin's pointed chin.

"How long since he ate?" The dark haired rapper's voice was empty as it filled the room.

"Monday morning," I answered, the words capturing my sadness and taking it with them to drench the expectant silence with it. Changbin nodded slowly and glanced down at Jisung.

"That explains a lot," he stated without explanation. I waited for an elaboration on what he meant, but it didn't come. So, I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you think it's so important that he eats?" Changbin's eyes were dull and his expression serious as he stared at me.

"I-" before I could finish, the ravenette interrupted.

"If he doesn't eat frequently, it leaves his emotions and mind a mess and makes it easier for those negative thoughts to convince him that no one will notice or care if he has a dozen too many pills," My breath caught in my throat at the mention of Jisung's suicide attempt.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**FLASHBACK**

** _Two years ago_ **

_I walked into the apartment with a relieved sigh. I had finally found the right beats for our next song and had made excellent progress with the lyrics. Today was a good day. I dumped my bag on the floor beside my chair before heading into the kitchen. I was hungry and wanted something to celebrate this progress after two weeks of hitting a roadblock. A frustrated sigh escaped me as I stared at the food in the fridge; none of it was what I wanted. I just wanted some lamingtons or finger buns or- oh! Fairy bread! Now, that would be really nice. Do we have sprinkles anywhere?_

_I hurriedly closed the fridge door and began searching the cupboards. "Aha!" I gleefully exclaimed as I discovered an unopened pack of sprinkles. I was about to grab the bread and butter when my phone began ringing._

_"Hello?" I put the phone between my shoulder and ear so that I could continue collecting what I needed to make the fairy bread._

_"Hyung, I'm not at home right now, but I have a bad feeling. I don't know why. Can you- can... um.. can you check on Jisung? I don't know. Just check that he is okay please. This bad feeling has been getting worse all day but I can't check on him myself because I am still at the bank,"_

_"uhhh...Did you try calling him?" I queried, confused by Changbin's strange ramblings. Frustration tickled my insides, despite making progress, I was tired and had the beginnings of a migraine throbbing at my temple. I just wanted to make an Australian snack and now it seemed like I couldn't even do that. Had my luck run out today?_

_"I did."_

_"Did he pick up?"_

_"Well, yes, but-"_

_"Changbin, I really don't understand what is going on. I just got home and I just want to make something to eat," But even as I said this, I glanced around. The house was deadly silent and I was alone in the kitchen, which was unusual. Normally, if Jisung was home when I returned, he would come out of his room to ask me how things went and overall just hang out. I didn't like what Changbin was saying because it was making me nervous. "Are you sure he didn't go out or something?" I asked as I began to walk around the house in search for the squirrel-cheeked boy._

_"No, hyung, you don't get it. Something's wrong. I don't know what. But something's going on with Jisung. When I called him he said he was fine but there was something wrong with his voice – I really don't know how to explain it. And he refused to leave the house when I asked him if he wanted to come to the bank with me, even when I offered to buy him food. He said he just wanted to be home when you got there, but Jisung _never _turns down food. Even for you. Something's not right," I paused when I saw Jisung's door closed. While not completely unusual, it was rare for the younger rapper to do that._

_"His door is closed," I informed Changbin, my voice barely above a whisper. "Look, I will check on him and call you back. I'm sure that it's probably nothing." Changbin hung up and I approached the bedroom door warily, a sense of foreboding growing in the pit of my stomach the closer I got to the door._

_I knocked gently. No response. I knocked louder, my knuckles tapped harshly against the white paint. I waited for an invitation but I heard nothing. Maybe he was asleep? I was about to walk away when my hand reached for the door handle on its own accord. I went through the motions of opening his door before I could stop myself. And never had I wished more in my life that I had just walked away because what I saw seared itself into my mind instantly, an unwanted branding that I would never be able to get rid of._

_My brain struggled to comprehend the scene before me as the world began to spin too fast for me to keep up. Bile crawled up my throat, eager to escape. I swallowed heavily. Before me sat a dazed looking Jisung who was staring up at me with glazed, glassy eyes. He held an almost empty pill bottle, and although some of those small tablets were strewn on the floor around Jisung, it was clear that they were not enough to fill the bottle. A strange voice reverberated in my ears, catching and scratching against each strained syllable._

_"Jisungie," I blinked in surprise when I realized it was my voice. My broken voice stretching and contracting around the letters with difficulty. The boy I had known for one and a half years, the boy I had come to love like family, was sitting silently on the floor, his fingers wrapped loosely around the lip of the open pill bottle._

_Fury, despair, confusion, terror. Too many swirling emotions to pin point pressed against my heart, crushing the pounding organ. "Jisungie," the name passed my lips again, my own voice sounding foreign to my own ears as I rushed forward and dropped to my knees in front of the younger boy. I pried the almost empty bottle from Jisung's hands and nearly died on the spot when I saw the label._

_The pills were mine. They were the sleeping pills I bought last month as requested by my doctor but never opened. "Jisungie," I hiccupped out his name as I struggled to breathe. This was my fault. Jisung was going to die and it was all my fault._

_I yanked my phone out of my pocket, fighting off the dark spots threatening to steal my vision. I will not let Jisung die! I dialed the correct emergency number after almost typing in the Australian triple zero. I responded to the person on the other end as calmly as I could, only malfunctioning when Jisung slipped into unconsciousness. I dropped the phone on the floor and tried to shake the boy awake._

_"Jisung! Jisung! Wake up, Jisung! Come on! You can't die, okay? Jisung?"_

_When the paramedics arrived, I don't remember much, but I found out later that they had to physically remove me from the room to get Jisung out because I refused to let him go. After they left, I remained sitting on the couch where they had convinced me to sit so they could ask some questions._

_I stared blankly at my hands, too lost in my thoughts to register when the front door was flung open and a frazzled Changbin stormed in. I barely remembered doing it, but I had sent Changbin a message, letting him know that Jisung had tried to kill himself- not that the text was actually that coherent. I didn't react as Changbin berated me with questions, his voice drowned out by the static sizzling in my ears._

_The dark haired rapper shook me violently and I blinked, my vision focusing and the static noise settling to a faint popping. "Chan!" I met Changbin's searching gaze solemnly._

_"It's my fault," my voice was hoarse as if I had been screaming. Maybe I had. I had a lot of blacked out memories since finding Jisung._

_"Wh-What? How is it your fault? It's no one's fault, hyung. I should have just stayed home and then none of-"_

_"They were my pills," I interrupted simply._

_"Ch-"_

_"He used my pills. It's my fault," I watched absently as Changbin's mouth opened and closed as he tried to come up with a way to rebut my claims, to deny the truth. "It's my fault if Jisung dies."_

_"N-no, Chan..." Changbin's voice was rough. He was struggling to keep it together. How was he keeping it together?_

**END FLASHBACK**

**\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

I stared at Changbin. He always kept it together. Somehow, he always keeps himself together, even as the world falls apart around him. "When did this start?" I whispered, afraid of asking the question but desperate to know how long Jisung had been seeking comfort from Changbin.

"A few months after," I didn't need Changbin to specify what exactly he meant by 'after' because I knew. "He woke me up. You weren't there. You had chosen to stay back at the studio that night. He woke me up, crying and begging me to make the pain stop. He wanted to die, hyung... I-" Changbin inhaled sharply while I just sat, dazed by this new found information. "It hurts to breathe, hyung," the short rapper admitted. "Thinking about it hurts. He was so broken. I can't even find the words that are even close to describing what it was like, how Jisung was. He _begged _me, pleaded that I make the agonizing thoughts and emotions go away. I didn't know what to do. He was shaking and sobbing and his voice was just wrecked," Changbin took a shuddering breath before continuing while Jisung just gripped him tighter. "I-I did the only thing I could think of. I hugged him as tightly as I could and promised him that everything would be okay as long as he held onto me. I guess it worked, because he calmed down after a while and we fell asleep. That is the only time I have ever been glad that you stayed at the studio all night," Changbin met my eyes meaningfully. I had a suspicion that they knew about me pulling complete all nighters at the studio, but now it was confirmed. "The same thing happened two weeks later, but you were in the house and I was still awake. Jisung was different then. Silent. He was completely silent. Comforting him was difficult, and I found out that he..." Changbin trailed off, his eyes glossing over as he relived the memory. A stray tear teetered over the edge of his lower eyelid before slipping slowly down his cheek. "He had nearly done it again. Nearly killed himself," the rapper chuckled humorlessly. "Such a simple phrase for such a complicated thing. Jisung was going to just slice his wrists open and let himself bleed out in the bathtub, but he came to me. I was terrified. I was utterly terrified because Jisung could have done it- he really could have- and neither of us would have known until the morning. He was so silent when I held him that night, but he said my name like- he said it how he said it before. It's why I had to leave the room. I couldn't deal with it again. I couldn't deal with a hurting Jisung because it meant I had missed something, again." Jisung whimpered lowly, a cry against Changbin's pain.

The mood changed as Changbin cleared his throat and changed the subject. If there was something Changbin was not good at, it was talking about extremely emotional situations. "Your turn to share," I blinked at him in confusion.

"What?"

"You still have to tell us why you were so upset when you came in."

"Oh, right..." I glanced at the floor. My little temper tantrum seemed so stupid and childish compared to what Changbin had just shared. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not," Jisung croaked out. The brunette turned his head so that he could stare at me with accusing eyes. "You were ready to destroy something. Whatever it is, it's not nothing. So, what happened?" I sighed, defeated.

"Just stupid jealousy. See? Nothing," Changbin's eyes widened while Jisung just stared at me with displeasure. Both boys waited silently for me to continue. "Minho gave Hyunjin his jumper," I announced with a frustrated sigh. Changbin raised an amused eyebrow while Jisung's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I think we need a little more of an explanation here, Chan hyung," Changbin mused cheekily, his eyes still conveyed a haunted sadness despite his light voice. I glowered at him. "We need to understand why you're jealous."

"I-Changbin," I growled warningly. "I am not doing this now."

"Why not?" Jisung inquired audaciously a slight edge to his tone, his gaze fierce despite the pain that still lingered in the depths of his brown eyes. "You got to hear all about mine and Changbin's biggest secret. It's only fair that you explain why Minho hyung giving Hyunjin his jumper on a cold day like this is such a big deal," I glared at the youngest. He emphasized Hyunjin's name in a way that I knew was no accident. "It's okay, hyung. We won't tell Woojin about your not so little crush," he drawled challengingly.

"I do not have a crush!" I growled.

"You sure about that?" Changbin cocked an eyebrow teasingly. Were they seriously ganging up on me? Shouldn't they be too exhausted to do this after expending so much energy on their emotions?

"Perfectly sure," the words came out clipped and harsh as I pushed them through my teeth angrily.

"Are you sure you don't have a crush on _Hyunjinnie_?" Jisung looked at his nails disinterestedly, as if this were a boring conversation he cared little about. "I mean, you let him call you 'Channie hyung' after all, so are you certain you don't have a crush on him?" Jisung gasped suddenly, as if scandalized. "Wait! You two aren't like secretly fucking or something, right? Because- oh my gosh! That would make so much sense, wouldn't it Changbin hyung?" The stupid grin plastered on Jisung's face, although a relief to see after his breakdown, was infuriating. As the dark haired rapper opened his mouth to speak, panic shot through me. Jisung's joking assumption was too close to the truth.

"No! It's not like that! We aren't like that anymore!" I paled as I realized my slip up. Changbin perked up. Jisung stared at me with wide, bewildered eyes, caught completely off guard.

"Aren't like what anymore, hyung?" Changbin queried curiously but I could tell by the suspicion swirling in his dark brown eyes that he was piecing together the puzzle.

"Can you both just drop it?" I tried but the rappers shook their heads. "Why are you so unbearable?!" I shouted, they just shrugged in response. I groaned in frustration. This was not a story that should be shared. Not unless Hyunjin was here beside me and gave me his consent for Changbin and Jisung to know about his past- our past. I watched the two rappers staring at me expectantly from their shared chair, Jisung still curled up on Changbin's lap, a tight fist still clutching Changbin's shirt the only signs of the boy's earlier break down. I can't even tell them part of the story because it won't make sense and it will be obvious that I am excluding information.

"Just drop it," I ordered, forcing authority into my tone. I instantly felt bad for using my position as leader as Changbin and Jisung's expressions morphed into surprise and hurt. I forced myself to turn away from my friends before I became tempted to spill my guts. I busied myself with grabbing the now lukewarm food and passing it to the boys. "You should eat," I didn't glance up as I handed the containers to Jisung and Changbin.

Slowly standing, I glanced around the room, we were missing a headset. "I will be back. Don't wait up for me, just start eating," I hurried from the room, closing the studio door with a shaky exhale of relief. This was going to be harder than expected.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Jisung POV:**

I glanced at Changbin with concern. What was going on with Chan? He has never shut us down so quickly like that. What was so secret about his relationship with Hyunjin that he refused to tell even us? Changbin held my stare, sorrow and confusion dancing in his brown eyes. "Something's wrong," he stated simply. I blinked at him, brows drawing together. What did he mean?

"There's something he doesn't want to tell us. He doesn't trust us. Of course there is something wrong," I scoffed half-heartedly. I wasn't sure whether to be angry, upset or concerned. Chan never kept things from us when we asked. This is getting beyond a joke. Hyunjin shows up and suddenly Chan refused to tell us anything about what was bothering him. I shivered, Changbin's loose grip on me tightened. A glance at his face told me that it was instinctual rather than a conscious action. His expression was distant as he sorted through his reeling thoughts.

"That's not what I meant. Did you see his expression change? Before he told us-"

"You mean ordered," I interrupted, correcting his choice of words. The fact that Chan ordered us to drop the subject was new as well. Loathing for the tall _Prince _reignited and I scowled at the thought of the onyx haired, brown eyed, plump-lipped visual. A vulgar thought of how pretty his lips were, popped into my head and I barely contained a growl as I burned the revolting thought from my mind as swiftly as possible.

"Fine- ordered. Before he ordered us to drop it?"

"Huh? What?" I asked, completely confused by Changbin's words. I had been so absorbed with destroying that random disgusting thought that I had forgotten what we were talking about. My dark haired hyung stared at me with disappointment, his usually bright eyes dulled by frustration.

"What were you thinking about?" He asked, I glanced at him sharply.

"Thinking about?" I questioned nervously. He nodded. "I-uh- nothing, hyung," I lied. The dark haired rapper sighed heavily.

"It's fine if you don't want to tell me. I understand," Changbin smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes where only pain and sadness swirled in their dark depths. Guilt stabbed at my heart. He believed I was thinking about something relating to the self-loathing thoughts that ambled through my mind, but didn't want to tell him, that, despite everything he had done for me, every part of himself that he had given up to help piece me back together every time I broke into a million seemingly unfixable pieces and lost a part of my own self, he thought that I didn't trust him enough to share what was on my mind. Just like Chan.

"Changbin," I started.

"No, it's fine, Jisung. You don't have to tell me. I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me everything- because you don't," My hand that still clutched his shirt tightened as panic and bewilderment charged through me. I placed the food on the table slowly before turning to look at my friend.

"Changbinnie," His solemn gaze snapped to me in response to the nickname. I stared at him in exasperation before hugging him tightly. "It was just a stupid thought about Hyunjin. I didn't think you would want to hear about it," I blurted out. I must be a terrible person. Not only had I upset both Chan and Changbin today because I hadn't eaten, I had also upset Changbin by reminding him of the past, and then on top of that, I had made him believe that I didn't trust him at the same time that Chan made it clear he didn't trust us. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry for upsetting you and Chan hyung. I'm sorry for forgetting to eat. I'm sorry for hating Hyunjin. I'm sorry for reminding you of the past. I'm sorry for being a terrible friend!" Although my words were muffled by Changbin's shirt, I knew he understood every word by the way he inhaled sharply.

"Sungie..." I tilted my head slightly, glancing up at him with teary eyes. Why was I such a disappointment? If I kept this up, everyone would leave me for Hyunjin. Despair seized my heart, digging its sharp nails into the beating organ mercilessly, until it felt like my heart was being torn apart. I tightened my hold on Changbin and hid my face in his neck. A shudder travelled through his body as my breath fanned across his bare neck. Brief images of past scenarios flashed to the forefront of my mind and I pressed my lips against his pulse. I allowed my eyes to flutter closed as I felt his pulse quicken. Changbin inhaled shakily. Maybe if I did this, Changbin wouldn't leave me?

"Sungie," he whispered warningly. I ignored the warning as I dragged my lips over his skin lightly, exhaling slowly to elicit a shiver from the dark haired boy. I left a trail of soft kisses against his neck as I slowly made my way to his jaw, where I began to gently suck at the skin. Suddenly, Changbin pulled away.

"Jisung," his voice was rough and his eyes were darkened by lust as he stared into my eyes. I blinked at him as confusion bubbled in my stomach. The way he said my name was a mixture between a plea to continue and an order to stop. "We can't do this."

"Why not?" I asked indignantly, leaning closer to resume my previous mission. I wanted to do this. I wanted to repay Changbin for putting up with me, for always being there when I needed someone- even though I didn't deserve it. For always putting my happiness before his own. I wanted to make him feel good. I wanted him to want to stay with me.

"Because, Jisung, we can't. I never should have let you do this in the past," I pulled away from Changbin. He didn't want this? I searched his eyes and saw the battle within them. He wanted it, so why was he saying he didn't? I stared at him, brows furrowed, lips downturned. "I think you do this for the wrong reasons and I can't," his chest rose and fell unevenly in the silence of his pause. "I can't do this, Sungie. I can't take advantage of you. It isn't right."

"T-take advantage of me?" I stared at him in disbelief. "W-what? You aren't taking advantage of me, hyung. Why-What made you think that?"

"Sungie, tell me why you do it," I frowned at him. Why was that important? "Tell me why you do this with me."

"Hyung," I whined. I didn't understand the point of this. Didn't he already know why I did this? Didn't he know I wanted to make him happy? To repay him?

"I need to know, Jisung. I need to know _why_ you do this," Changbin stared at me imploringly, begging me to understand what he was asking. I released his shirt and allowed my hands to rest on my lap. I stared at my fingers, contemplatively. What answer did he want to hear? I glanced up and sighed. Changbin was watching me carefully; he wanted the truth, not what _he _wanted to hear.

"I just wanted you to feel good," I whispered, my voice barely audible even in the silent room. "I just wanted to do something for you in return for everything you have done for me," I met his stare and watched as something akin to heartbreak danced across his features, consuming the previous emotions hungrily.

"Sungie..." tears threatened to blur my vision at the sound of Changbin's broken voice. I'm a terrible person. I just keep hurting Changbin when all he has done is be kind to me. He pulled away from me, his back pressing into the chair. His arms loosened and dropped from their place around me.

"Changbin?" My voice cracked and wavered as panic blossomed inside my chest, its roots constricting my lungs. How badly had I messed up now? How badly had I hurt Changbin? I am a horrible, horrible friend.

"Jisung, we can't do _that_ anymore. I-I can't do that with you," No matter how much I tried to catch Changbin's eye, he avoided it, refusing to look up and meet my stare. "You never needed to do anything in return except for _live_. I am sorry that I made you feel like you had to repay me and that-"

"No, hyung, you don't get it. _I _wanted to. I _want _to. You never made me feel like I had to do anything. I just wanted to show my appreciation in the only way I could think of that would make you happy in the same way you made me happy."

"Sungie..." Changbin finally looked up, his eyes bright with confusion and uncertainty and a smaller, more hidden, emotion. After a moment, I worked out what it was. Desire. It was desire. "You didn't need to do anything to make me happy. I was happy just being able to hold you and know that you were still breathing," I stared at Changbin, frustration bubbling to the surface once again. Why was he making such a big deal out of this? It was just sex. Sex between two friends who had seen each other at their worst and their best.

"But you are always happier after we do it. You are content knowing that I am alive, but you are happy during and after we do that. I just wanted to see you happy like that. Why are you being so difficult?" Changbin stared at me, his eyes betraying his internal battle with himself as he debated something. He seemingly came to a decision as he pushed himself forward, his arms wrapping around me protectively once more, pulling me closer to his body before he pressed his lips against my own. I smiled against his mouth and eagerly reacted to the kiss, dragging my fingers through his hair, intertwining them through the onyx strands as the kiss deepened. Changbin sucked on my lower lip, nibbling slightly before licking it apologetically when I gasped. He pressed the tip of his tongue questioningly against my top lip, a habit he developed to ask for permission to continue whatever he was doing. I willingly allowed his tongue to slip into my mouth as he nudged my own tongue comfortingly.

We were so lost in our own world that we didn't hear the door open. I jumped, startled as Chan's voice, pitched by bewilderment and surprise filtered through the room uncertainly. "Oh, um, this isn't exactly what I meant when I told you guys to eat," I laughed at the deer caught in headlights expression Chan was wearing, momentarily forgetting about what exactly Chan had just witnessed. However, Changbin seemed to find the situation less amusing as his expression only held horror and pure terror.

Chan frowned as he noticed Changbin's uneasiness. "It's okay, Changbin. I'm not mad or anything. I'm just surprised. This was definitely not what I thought I would walk in to see," Chan chuckled. It was a nervous chuckle though and I glanced at our leader again. Thousands of questions danced alongside apprehension in his brown eyes as he stared at us.

I cleared my throat uncertainly before pulling away from Changbin, extracting myself from the terrified boy's arms and standing. I fought the urge to sit back down as I began to feel lightheaded. "Sorry, hyung. It's my fault. I was horny and Changbin was the only one here," I quickly tried to rescue Changbin from any possible anger Chan might have towards us, despite his claim that he wasn't mad. Although, it would be somewhat hypocritical of Chan to be mad at us considering how he and Woojin eye fuck each other right in front of all of us, including Jeongin. But then again, I guess eye fucking someone is a little different to actually fucking someone...

Changbin snapped his eyes towards me as I threw myself under the proverbial bus. He opened his mouth to object but I hurried to keep him quiet. "Not like I could just call up Minho this time," Changbin's mouth all but snapped closed and hurt flashed in his eyes. Guilt tore at my chest as I both simultaneously belittled what we were doing to merely a meaningless hook up and confirmed to both of them that Minho and I had in fact hooked up before. "I mean, you did say he was with Hyunjin, so he is probably busy," I shrugged as if what I had just said was no big deal. "And I'm not particularly down for a threesome right now," Chan's expression darkened as he glanced between me and Changbin. My brows furrowed in confusion until Changbin suddenly stood and strode out of the room, fists clenched, jaw tight. My eyes followed the short rapper who had helped me in more ways than one over the years as he exited the room as if he couldn't leave fast enough.

Chan turned to me. "What was that about?" An undercurrent of anger swirled through his words. 

"What was what about?" I asked absently, still staring at the empty doorway. Chan's frown deepened.

"You don't even know what you did, do you?" I glanced at him, my brows furrowing.

"What?"

"Oh my god!" I frowned at the blond's exasperated exclamation. He shook his head, disappointment dulling his brown eyes, before walking out the door. "Just... Stay here, eat something and then go home. We won't do any recording today. I don't think any of us are in the right mind set for it. Make sure you get some sleep for tomorrow. Now, that Hyunjin is here, it's the real deal."

I blinked blankly as Chan's muscled build vacated the doorway the second he was done speaking and left. I glanced down at the food but my stomach gurgled in revulsion at the thought of eating. I looked around the room in an attempt to distract myself from the bile slowly creeping its way up my throat. I took a step towards the door, planning on just going home when the world swayed. My hand collided with the arm of the chair and I placed all of my weight onto it as my legs shook. I pressed my free hand against my pounding head. It was almost as if my body was trying to make up for Changbin making me forget about it all for a while.

The bile rushed upward suddenly and I was forced to swallow quickly to avoid vomiting in the studio. I pushed myself forward using my hand on the chair, holding it out beside me as close to the wall as possible while stumbling out of the room towards the toilets.

The second I shut the stall door, I fell to my knees and allowed the bile to finally escape. I groaned as my throat burned and numbness washed over my shivering body. I fumbled with my phone as I tried to extract it from the back pocket in my jeans with trembling fingers. My brain plagued me with a never-ending replay of Changbin's expression as I tried to put the blame on me so that Chan would be mad at me and not Changbin. I had done something wrong. I had hurt Changbin while trying to protect him. But what had I done that upset him?

Before I could process what I was doing, I was typing a number and pressing the call button. Minho's name shone brightly at the top screen and I stared at it uncomprehendingly before bringing the phone up to my ear. I listened as the phone rang out and the automated voice began to speak. I ended the call. Minho didn't pick up. I thought over what I told Chan and dialed Minho's number again. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as bile crept up my throat eagerly. I shuddered and swallowed the acid burning its way out of my stomach. I tried to reach Minho a few more times before giving up, as he didn't pick up. I dropped my phone on the ground beside me and it landed with a loud clatter, muffled by the deafening pounding of my head echoing in my ears until they ached. I retched into the toilet repeatedly as I struggled to calm my jumpy nerves and overwhelming anxiety.

I leaned heavily against the toilet, barely able to support my own weight. Whatever this was, it was not just a result of not eating. I shivered as my body burned hot and froze cold two seconds later. I patted my pockets as I thought about the Panadol I had shoved in my pocket this morning for my headaches. A strange sound, reminiscent of a sob pushed past the pounding in my ears and I glanced around, wondering who else was in the bathroom before realizing that that sound came from me as another dry sob escaped past my lips upon remembering that I had left the medication on the coffee table in the studio. There was no way I was going to make it to the studio.

I inhaled unevenly, wincing as the action seared my throat. Another choked sound wheezed into existence, the unnatural noise echoing in my ears beside the incessant ringing that was slowly replacing the pounding. The toilet blinked in and out of my vision as my eyelids fluttered closed and I forced them opened only for them to close again. The world tilted strangely and I vaguely had the sensation that I was falling before I slipped into a dark oblivion.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**No One's POV:**

Minho was laughing at a joke Hyunjin was sharing with the brunette while moving about the house in search of his phone. He had put it down somewhere when they arrived, but had forgotten where exactly he had left the device. And apparently it was on silent, because when Hyunjin called it, Minho didn't hear his familiar ringtone. The brunette wasn't too concerned, however, because he knew he had definitely brought it home with him.

"Aha!" He exclaimed triumphantly as he found the discarded phone chilling on his bed, casually blending in with his bedsheets. "Found it!" The tall ravenette stood at his bedroom doorway, having shadowed the older dancer around the house. Hyunjin smiled at the brunette.

"That's good. My feet were about to fall off if you didn't find it," Minho laughed at Hyunjin's overdramatic statement.

"Oh they were not," he retorted, a grin gracing his features with additional beauty. The ravenette swallowed slowly as he watched Minho's face fall as he looked at his phone.

"Jisung called me," The statement was strange, it held an uneasiness that sparked Hyunjin's anxiety. Minho glanced up at the taller boy nervously as he delivered extra kindling to feed the small flame of anxiety burning inside both boys. "He called seven times. He left one voice message," Hyunjin watched Minho bring the phone to his ear with a shaky hand to listen to the voice message.

"I fucked up, hyung..." Jisung's voice rasped on the other end on the phone. A long moment of silence only distinguished from the call ending and still being active by the painful wheezing breaths emanating weakly from the speaker. "Something's.. 'snot-something," The boy on the other end struggled to speak as his throat constricted and he struggled to breathe. "S'wrong," A loud beep signaling the end of the message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! I sincerely apologise that this update took so long. I actually finished this chapter just before the start of last week, but I really didn't like how dramatic and weird it was. I still don't. However, I have found that although this is a bit of a hodgepodge chapter, it actually adds depth to some later scenarios in future chapters. So, effectively, I can't get rid of this chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I will warn you, the next chapter is only half written and I have hit a bit of a road block with it and don't know how to get from point A to point B just yet, but hopefully I will be able to during the weekend and I can give you some more content next Saturday ^-^
> 
> I have also edited the previous chapters. There are some minor additions and changes, it is not necessary that you reread them, but I would suggest that if you have free time then it might be helpful.


	7. A/N - In Regards to Woojin

In light of the news that Woojin has left Stray Kids and my mental state leaving with it... I will be taking an extended break from writing. I have no idea how long this will last. And I apologise to everyone who has been supporting my stories. But, I cannot write. Both of my published fics include Woojin and I don't know what to do and everything hurts to think about. I am sorry. I honestly hope beyond all hope that this is just some massive scare because it's halloween...

For Woojin:

**Thank you, Woojin. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. Thank you! I hope that your personal reasons become better and we see you again someday... Whatever the reason you have to go, I hope everything works out. ****  
****I love you 3000. I will miss you more than the world would miss the moon.****  
****Thank you for existing and gracing Stay with your talent.** **Thank you for being there for Stay while you could ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡**


	8. Chapter 5 - Airing the Dirty Laundry PART 2

**No One’s POV:**

Uneasiness twisted inside Hyunjin’s stomach as he observed Minho’s reaction to whatever message Jisung had left. The dancer paled until he was as white as a sheet and terror trembled through his nerves, causing his hands to shake like a leaf. Wide, panicked brown orbs met Hyunjin’s concerned stare. Minho pulled the phone from his ear before swiftly checking how long ago Jisung left the message and calling the boy back, fear clutching at his heart.

“He’s not picking up!” Minho yelled while frantically dialing the boy’s number again. Hyunjin watched, his hands hanging uselessly by his sides, uncertain on what to do to help, uncertain as to what was going on.

When Jisung did not answer again, Minho changed tactics. He dialed Changbin’s number, hoping that the rapper would pick up. He really didn’t want to have to call Chan but if it came down it, knowing that Jisung was okay would take precedence over his pride. The brunette listened with bated breath as the phone rang. However, Changbin didn’t pick up. His hands shook uncontrollably as he dialed the rapper again and still received no response.

The dancer briefly debated whether he really should call Chan or not, but decided to put his pride aside for now and call the elder. This wasn’t about him. It was about Jisung. And something was seriously wrong with him right now. He inhaled sharply as the phone rang, the promising jingle allowing hope to rise once more from the ashes of the intense flames of his anxiety and suffocating abyss of dread.

“Ohmygoshthankgodfinally!” The brunette’s words slurred together in one undecipherable mess in response to Chan answering his phone. However, his relief was short lived. “Are you with Jisung?”

“What? No. Why?” Chan sounded distracted and his words came slowly as if he wasn’t fully focused on the phone call.

“Where is he?” Minho asked hurriedly, ignoring Chan’s halfhearted question.

“Um… probably at the studio. Why?” Minho paled and words stuck to his throat as terrified thoughts charged wildly through his mind. Hyunjin stepped forward, taking charge after realizing that the brunette wasn’t going to speak.

“Are you near the studio, Chan hyung?” Hyunjin asked, having heard Chan’s voice through the phone speaker. He didn’t know what was going on, but he knew that the boy who had seemed so happy earlier was now an anxious mess, and it had something to do with Jisung.

“H-Hyunjin? You’re still with Minho? Wait? Why?” The ravenette ignored the jealous tinged questions with an annoyed roll of his eyes.

“Are you near Jisung?” Hyunjin snapped, the flame of his anxiety burning wildly as it fed on the panic radiating off the trembling dancer in waves.

“U-uh, yeah?” Hyunjin almost groaned at Chan’s uncertainty. His tone indicated that he was hung up on the fact that Hyunjin was still with Minho rather than the strange fact that they were trying to find Jisung.

“Go! Go find him. We are on our way there,”

“Wait why? What’s going on?” The higher pitch in Chan’s voice was a clear indication to his confusion.

“I don’t know, hyung,” the ravenette admitted. “He called Minho seven times and left a-a voice message,” he continued to speak as he urged Minho into motion and head for the front door, intent on finding Jisung. “I don’t know what’s going on but something’s wrong and I am about to have a panic attack, if Minho doesn’t beat me too it.” He ended the phone call with those final words, knowing that they would spur the blond into action. He grabbed Minho by the wrist and dragged the still dazed boy from the apartment towards the JYP building.

Hyunjin was more than grateful that Minho lived close to the building. They raced into the building, ignoring the confused and judgmental stares from the people they tore past. Their shoes thudded loudly against the shiny floors as they sprinted towards the elevator, the small box being the only way to reach the upper levels of the building. Minho, who had snapped out of the anxious daze, aggressively pressed the button to call the elevator. Both dancers shifted their weight from foot to foot anxiously as trepidation mingled with the adrenaline setting their bodies alight with untamable energy.

Changbin watched Chan with furrowed brows. Why was he on the phone to Minho and Hyunjin? What was going on? He inhaled shallowly when Chan turned towards him with a serious expression while pocketing his phone.

“We have to find Jisung,” That single sentence sent a tremor through Changbin and he begged all of the gods he knew to let Jisung be alive and okay when they found him. He should have never walked out. No matter how much it hurt that he was nothing more than a fuck buddy to Jisung, he should have just stayed. Jisung was obviously not in his right mind. A deep pit of dread sunk heavily into his stomach while fear tightened around his pounding heart. If Jisung killed himself, it would be his fault. He promised he would never leave Jisung and yet the moment he had gotten jealous and upset he had walked out on Jisung. Twice.

“W-what’s going on?” He asked Chan as the older set a brisk pace back towards the studio. The blond had followed Changbin to the front of the building and offered to walk with him towards the park. Somehow the older had seemed to know how he was feeling because he had immediately offered Changbin support and comfort before even asking the question that was on his mind. Changbin hadn’t wanted to admit how he felt about Jisung to Chan- or himself. But when Chan stated, “You love him. Don’t you?” the dark haired rapper found himself nodding. The older had then done something unexpected. He had hugged Changbin.

The dark haired rapper followed Chan as they walked swiftly towards the building. The blond broke into a sprint when they saw two familiar, breathless figures race past the front doors and Changbin followed closely behind.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Jisung’s POV:**

I seemed to be standing in a world swathed in a black cloth, the darkness fluttering and pulsing around me. Muffled sounds reminiscent of voices echoed through the strange darkness. Muffled footsteps suggested that someone was approaching me, however, no one ever reached me and the sounds ceased abruptly. The voices faded away and bright red and blue lights seared my eyeballs as they whirled past me and into the roiling mass of shadows.

I shivered as the temperature dropped rapidly. Taking advantage of the light emitted from the strange floating red and blue lights dancing in the darkness, I glanced around, trying to discern anything from my surroundings. Nothing. I could see nothing but an impenetrable wall of darkness.

A high pithed yelp left my lips as I was suddenly falling, falling down an abyss of icy shadows. I squeezed my eyes shut as the sensation of falling continued. Whispered words reached out towards me and my eyes snapped open in surprise as I immediately recognised the voice. It was Hyunjin.

“I don’t know why you hate me,” My mind screamed at me to respond, to tell Hyunjin that I didn’t hate him, that I could never hate him, but I clamped my mouth shut as unwelcomed and strange emotions tugged at my heart, demanding recognition and attention.

“Forgive me,” my mind raced with unanswered questions. _Forgive him? Forgive him for what_? I opened my mouth to ask Hyunjin what he meant, but his distorted voice echoed around me once more before I could speak.

“_It should have been me…_” My heart clenched at the sorrowful words whispered through the darkness. Confusion and understanding battled violently within me. I knew what Hyunjin meant but couldn’t work out why or how I knew, or why the words left a gaping hole in my chest and thoughts of unfairness crawling through my thoughts.

“I don’t want you,” If I wasn’t falling, I would have frozen in place. The words seemed to hold no bite and sounded so casual as if Hyunjin were simply talking about the weather. Yet, the words hammered a stake of agonizing rejection into my heart. _Hyunjin doesn’t want me?_

“_I want you..._” Hope pulsed through my entire body at those words. I ignored the echoed sobbing of heartbreak clinging desperately to Hyunjin’s words and focused solely on what the words themselves meant. _Hyunjin wants me! _Without warning, I was deprived the only thing which had not been stolen from me, my thoughts. My consciousness was yanked out from under me and I found myself falling head first into a soundless void.

**Jisung’s POV (Third Person):**

It feels different, the world looks different, his relationship with Hyunjin is different, he and Minho are closer but also more distant… He sees him and Hyunjin on stage, the taller boy leaning against him as the lights shine and reflect their sweat. Voices chant their names as snippets of performances flash in his mind; the choreo, the songs, the fan chants, Chan, Minho, Hyunjin, Felix, Seungmin, Jeongin, Woojin, Changbin- all the same, and yet so different.

Changbin hugs him tightly and he feels an overwhelming satisfaction and warmth as if he never received it. A hug... A memory flashes to the forefront of Jisung’s mind of Felix and Changbin crying and hugging. Why were they crying? What was wrong? Words filled his ears and he suddenly understands, suddenly remembers. JYP eliminated Minho and Felix from Stray Kids before they debuted- Jisung was beyond thankful that he had decided to let them rejoin and stay.

He jolts as the view alters and changes, the world warping and distorting. It’s almost as if he is falling and watching all at once as disaster strikes. Jisung sees his body on the floor - maybe a stage but his eyes are glued to his body, too focused on this strange out-of-body view of himself to even wonder where he is. His view changes, and he is staring up into bright lights that obstruct his view of the ceiling. Blood surrounds him, soaking grossly into his shirt and jeans while dulled, muffled, underwater screams, crying and begging wade towards his ears. He feels as if he is floating, his entire body numb to everything. He knows he is injured, knows that it is something he will not recover from, and yet, he can’t feel anything, just a soothing numbness.

As he blinks, he realises that Hyunjin is kneeling beside him, knees resting in his blood, tears wrecking his beautiful features with despair. His mouth moves but Jisung can’t hear him. He wants to hear him. He panics and struggles against the fading world. He has to hear Hyunjin’s voice! A static popping fills his ears, but as he fights harder, he can almost hear him, the whimpered begging and apologies and heartbreak, the chaos, the terror.

“_I’m so sorry…_”

He can hear Hyunjin begging, and he reached a hand up to touch the boy’s face, to promise him that everything would be alright. But, the promise died on his lips as Hyunjin’s pleas began to sound delayed or echoed, or both, he couldn’t tell.

“_It should have been me..._”

A chilling realization crawled up his spine; this wasn’t _his _world.

He slowly turned his head away from Hyunjin, his unblinking gaze settling on another part of the stage. He watched the other members frantically scurrying around an extremely pale and haggardly breathing Chan as the numbness washed over his bones in soothing waves, draining away any emotions or feeling. The sickening sounds of Chan’s wheezes floated around him, the choking gasps rippling inside his chest and sending a crashing tsunami of emotions flooding through him once more. He cried out in despair. Not Channie!

Questions whirled through his mind like the brutal winds of a storm thrashing the ocean mercilessly. However, one thought in particular struck him to the core, sizzling and burning an electric purple and setting his body alight; What happened?

A flicker of memories stirred within the haze shrouding his thoughts. Someone brought a gun to the fan meet. Someone… He tried to protect them. Chan saw it first and he took the bullets first. Jisung blanked at how he got there until the memories seared into his mind flashed white hot and he nearly screamed. Despite his silence, he still heard screaming. It was Hyunjin, and yet as the tall dancer gently turned Jisung’s head back towards himself, he wasn’t screaming. Jisung watched as Hyunjin’s eyes flickered over to where Chan lay, the intent behind his turning Jisung to look at him crystal clear; he didn’t want Jisung’s last sight, last memory, to be of Chan dying right beside him.

The screams faded into muffled words. Hyunjin’s voice seeming to float in the air, begging him to come back, to just come back. Another memory sparked at these words. He had sacrificed himself for Hyunjin. When he saw the gun turn towards the tall dancer he shoved him down and dove in front of him. Or maybe that was the wrong memory. Maybe the gun had just been aimed at him and Chan tried to save him. He couldn’t tell anymore. He felt like he was experiencing déjà vu within déjà vu and he couldn’t discern what was real and what wasn’t. As he floundered, the static returned, but he fought it away and silence reigned over his world. The strange Hyunjin voice ceased to exist and it unnerved him more than it should. He could hear Hyunjin beside him, but something about the voice seemed wrong. It was all wrong. He turned his head sharply to see Chan and for a moment couldn’t see him, as if he was never there, but then, it was if he was staring through a camera lens that had just focused. He could see Chan all too clearly.

Jisung watched numbly as Chan’s eyes dulled and his body relaxed, releasing any tension. _Is that my fate? _The thought intruded upon his sorrow, dragging behind it an overwhelming sadness. _Is this where I will always end up? On the floor in my own blood, for Hyunjin?_ He hated that there seemed to be no other ending for him. He hated Hyunjin for taking his life away from him, for being the reason he never seemed to escape death’s clutches. He inhaled sharply as the world distorted, everything warping and changing as he begrudgingly accepted the shitty fate card he had been dealt, because he knew that he would do it again. No matter how many redoes he was given, no matter how much he loved his life, no matter how devastating it would be for the other members, he would always, always, give his life for Hyunjin. _But, why was Hyunjin always the target?_

He felt Hyunjin’s hands on his face, his mouth moved but the silence persisted and not a single sound escaped passed the boy’s plump lips. Jisung watched as tears rolled joyfully down the dancer’s cheeks and dripped off of his chin as if they were playing some fun game. Jisung wished he could join in. He wished he could rejoice in the same freedom those little drops of water had. They didn’t feel pressured to protect someone, they didn’t die-

**BANG!** The loud noise shattered the silence, jarring Jisung from his thoughts. He stared at a bewildered Hyunjin whose mouth opened and closed like a surprised clown. In another scenario, Jisung might have told the boy to stop being so over dramatic. However, as red blossomed out from a spot on his chest and he slumped to the side, falling beside Jisung, the joking words died on his lips in another timeline. Hyunjin’s eyes glossed over as the red dyed his white shirt a vivid, violent crimson. Rage tore through Jisung as he stared into the unseeing brown eyes dulled to a lifeless brown as the life drained out of Hyunjin alongside his blood that was pooling onto the floor, mixing with Jisung’s own red sea. The sharpened claws of agony shredded his heart as the sizzling pop of static filled his ears once more. _This couldn’t be how it ended. He couldn’t fail. Hyunjin couldn’t die!_

“_I _don’t _want _you!” the words clashed inside Jisung’s head. The beginning and the end. Hyunjin’s voice contradicting itself, morphing into right and wrong with each new word, changing the meaning. Jisung allowed his own voice to join Hyunjin’s, allowed himself to scream the words like an accusation to the world. He didn’t want this fate. He didn’t want this ending. He didn’t want _this _world.

“I don’t want you!”

The static grew unbearably loud, snapping and popping as if the sound were emanating from his head and finds himself catapulted into his world where he is only conscious for a second before slipping into a deep sleep once more. This time a dreamless one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas ^-^ 
> 
> IHY! is now officially off hiatus. 
> 
> Updating Status: Monthly
> 
> I hope you all have an amazing Christmas!


	9. A/N - I'm going on hiatus

Our dog has a degenerative hip disease. We have to put her down. I'm going on hiatus. 


	10. A/N: THANKS TO WJ, I'LL BE DELETING THIS. BUT PLEASE READ. IMPORTANT INFO

** *!THIS STORY WILL ONLY BE UP FOR ANOTHER 24ISH HOURS (MAYBE A LITTLE LESS) TO GIVE READERS ADEQUATE TIME TO BE AWARE OF WHAT IS HAPPENING!* **

Hi, 

You likely already know of the situation regarding Kim Woojin and the accusations he is facing. 

Due to evidence suggesting that he is guilty and me not wanting someone like him in my stories, I will be deleting this story. 

**WAIT A MOMENT! **Before you click away! I may **re-upload** this in the future with some edit so this person is no longer included in this story. Please, if you are interested in the continuation of this after Woojin is removed and the plot altered to accommodate those changes, then dm me (on wattpad: Strayis, twitter: the_strayis, or instagram: the_strayis) or leave a comment expressing your interest. 

This would be so that I can contact you when the story has been re-uploaded. Even if you just leave a comment with a **blue**** heart emoji 💙**, I'll know to let you know when this story is re-uploaded. I will also inform you if I have decided not to re-upload this same way, but only if you have let me know that you wish to be informed. 

And yes, I may choose not to re-upload, if that is the case, then I may gift the plot to another if they wish to continue the story themselves. Or I may just return it to my drafts until I feel inspired to work with the plot again. I may even change the group associated with the plot. If this occurs, I will let you know. But remember to leave a blue heart emoji either in the comments or in my dms if you want to be kept in the loop.

P.S. dming me might help because I don't know how to specifically notify people here on ao3. I mean, I assume tagging in a chapter would work, right?


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